Green Beans and Little Things

Away

2012-01-26T15:23:00.001-08:00

so I've tried to come back to this blog but I can't :)
At least not now...

until then:

Riley+Beck

a new blog I started which is basically one big love letter to the kids.

I post daily :)

with photos!

We're Moving!

2011-04-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

Like the blog subject reads: We're moving!
Remember my blog post about how a New Season was upon us?
Well it is!

Dreams come true, we are moving to Oregon :)
Where our hearts have been since we started dating.
Where we decided we wanted to raise our family when we had kids.
Where we wanted to buy a house.

It hasn't set in really.
Although we move in 11 days. Yes, 11 days!
I'm in a daze.

Although my house is slowly filling up with boxes and we've been eating on paper plates.
I still can't believe we're about to move to another state.

I haven't really reached the point of excitement yet.

I just hope I can make it through the day.

Theres so much to pack, photos to finish editing, people to see... so forth.

We already have our apartment.

That's one less thing to worry about.

I'm not excited about our new place, but its only for a year.

Or so we think/hope.

Leif really wants to buy a house sooner than later so we're really downsizing.

Our rent in Oregon is more than half of what it is here in California.

Crazy right?!

We told Riley she was going to be living near Grandma and Grandpa J. and everyday she asks

if we're going to our new house yet :)

I'm so thankful that the door was open for Leif to get a new job in Oregon.

I'm thankful that we'll be so close to family, and that the kids will be around their grandparents and aunts.

I'm thankful that I'll get to be surrounded by friends I miss so much.

I'm thankful for the change that will be happening to our family and the new adventures we have ahead of us.

Living with depression.

2011-03-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times. I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this. I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings. This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression. I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day. I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds. I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive. He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort. I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged. I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression. I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating. I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily. That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't. That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay. I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me. I don't feel like myself. But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing. Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked. All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)

A New Season

2011-03-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

   A new season is beginning. I feel it. Do you ever just feel that way? That change is coming? That everything you've known for the last few months will no longer be? I suddenly feel as if the trials I experienced have prepared me for whats next. Today I felt God put on my heart: "You are prepared. You weren't ready before but now you are". I feel at peace in a way I hadn't before and I feel as if the last few months, the hardships, the pain, the tears, the work, it was worth it just to hear that I'm ready.

  I wish I knew what I was ready for :) But I'm definitely celebrating this new season that will be coming. A new leaf has been turned over it seems. How fitting that spring is coming... Winter is ending, things are becoming new again. New meaning has been given to my life and breathing fresh air never felt so wonderful. God is always so faithful and His timing so perfect. I know this, yet I fight and I question. I am so grateful for His patience :)!

   I wish I could describe this breakthrough in my life. I can say though, as soon as I gave up trying to make things go my way, the minute I allowed God to take control things began to change. When I mean change I don't mean this physical change, but more of an emotional & spiritual change that has in turn over flowed into my marriage, my parenting, my home, my relationships, my health, my business... Its the whole working on your heart, and how you are on the inside so that it then shows on the outside. BASICALLY: I can't do any of this on my own. I need to lean on God always. He's my strength.

Grown up Beck.

2011-03-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

(ugh the quality is so bad :( )

Today Beck officially started walking. And when I say officially I mean he's actually walking everywhere. He's still doing some crawling but preferring to walk. I cried. Which is not like me. I've cried so many times with Beck. To me he's stayed a baby longer than Riley did, and he's never been in a rush to grow up like my daughter. He's patiently sat on my lap while I work and cuddled with me every night. I still remember when he said his first word "uh oh" a few months back and has now added "Thank you" and "more" to the list. He's in no hurry to be bigger yet it feels like he's grown so fast. I know that I've coddled him and tried to keep him little for as long as possible, but I can't help it. I wish you could see the way he loves and appreciates me. That sounds weird but its the truth. Our relationship is so special. Its the relationship that Leif and Riley have, the one I envied. That's not to say Riley and I don't have our own relationship, but with Beck its different. I'm his best friend and was his favorite playmate, haha. Riley has definitely taken on that role now that he's older.

While I'm sad that kids grow up so fast, I love all the memories we've shared and will continue to share. Thank you Beck for completing our family.

Gratitude Thursday

2011-03-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

   There are a few things I'm grateful for today but something I really wanted to share was how thankful I am for the followers on my blog and the blogging friends I've made. I've met some of the most caring and loving friends through my blog and I feel really blessed to know you guys! I love that I get emails from so many of you and I love that our relationships don't just stop at comments. I know I don't always do the best job responding, or commenting back so I appreciate you guys sticking with me and constantly checking in! It means the world to me!

  Another thing I've been thinking about today is the community that we've been surrounded with here in Monterey. I have been given some really great friends who are always more than welcome to help Leif and I out when we need it. Today is no exception. One of my best friends watched my kids for me while I got a CT, and she watches them often for me when I have an appointment, meeting or even a session. I appreciate how my friends are more than happy to help out and pitch in where needed. Its funny because I remember blogging about being so lonely and without a support system. Here we are now and I'm beyond thankful for each and every person who has been in my life here in Monterey and is. I truly believe that every person I've been friends with has changed my life one way or another. Thank you!

  Today I was also reminded why Leif is my husband. And I'm thankful thankful thankful for him! I had my CT today and while I wasn't nervous I definitely was anxious to have some answers finally. Leif told me he'd be praying and that I should bring a bible and read James. I didn't get to read all of it but I did read the part I think which was more important for this season in my life, and his. I haven't blogged too much about what's been going on in our lives but we do feel as if we're in a season where if its not one thing its another. This verse is never one I tire of reading:

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" James 1:2-3

  I could keep going but that's the bulk of what stood out to me today while I was in the waiting room. I had the biggest sense of relief rush over me and I just wanted Leif to be there at that moment so I could thank him (and hug him!) for being the godly husband I and my parents prayed for and for being such a wonderful source of encouragement during this time. It blows my mind that I'm married to Leif and that I get to go through not just the good times with him, but also the bad, with him always holding my hand.

I am SO thankful today.

Thanks to Monterey

2011-03-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

   It hit me the other day that I just might like living in Monterey. I surprised myself when I thought this. For the last almost two years we've been praying that God will make moving possible. To be close to family again. But the last few months I've felt like I should just take advantage of living here while I can because there will be a time when we'll move. Who knows when that'll be, but it'll happen and I know that I'll regret not getting to know Monterey.

  Lately I've been feeling overwhelmingly blessed to have the opportunity to live here and to know the people we know. While connecting with people was slower in some ways, God definitely brought people early on that helped the transition. I've been kind of freaking out at the idea of moving again. This has become home, and this is where I've grown up. That sounds odd, but it hit me the other day: Living in Monterey is the first time I've really been on my own. I don't know if people know this but when I was in school, my parents paid for everything. I had a part time job but that was just extra spending money. Then I got married and went from having my parents provide for me to having Leif take on that role. After Riley was born I still heavily relied on Leif and my parents. I drove out to be with my mom a few times a week and would have her come over to help with Riley. Now it seems silly of course but I was a first time mom & newlywed:) When we had to move to Monterey it took a little time for it to sink in that I was for the most part on my own. When it finally hit me I had a hard time. While I struggled, I also began to grow. There were many frustrating conversations with God, and I was jealous of everyone who lived near family. Why didn't I get the luxury to lean on my parents and close friends while I began parenthood.

  Its all much clearer now. Most the friends I have who do live near family, had a period in their lives where they were on their own. This is my period + being a wife & raising kids. I remember thinking that when I got married and when we had Riley, I grew up. And I did, in some ways. But not completely. I'm still doing a lot of growing, but thanks to Monterey, I'm learning to be an adult. Today I can honestly thank God for bringing us here. I know for Leif its different, but for me personally I've changed. Coming here has helped me in so many ways... one of those being I believe in myself now. I am in awe at how far God has brought me and what He continues to do. I didn't have answers before but they're becoming more clear everyday, and the timing is as always, perfect. I have a better grasp on who Margaret is and where I want to go... :)

I have a new confidence in myself, but even more so, I have confidence in my Father & His blessings in my life. I am thankful for where we are.

I do have a prayer request (or if you're into good vibes and thoughts please send me some of those!):

The past few months I've been having weird pains where my kidney & ovary are and finally went to the doctor for them. They found a cyst on my ovary (no big deal) and one on my kidney (kind of a big deal). I go in tomorrow for a CT on the kidney cyst. Just pray that although the size isn't normal, it will still be easy for them to go in and just remove it. I am SO happy they figured out what the pain was, and I'm looking forward to finding a solution! Thanks :)

Gratitude Thursday

2011-03-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm cleaning the house & packing for our monthly trip down to L.A. I like to pray while I do things because it helps me keep my focus on whats important and I like to constantly be in God's presence. While praying I started to list of things I was thankful for and remembered it was Thursday :)

I am grateful for our home. The place where my favorite people reside. Its not a fancy house but its our home, where my heart is.
I am grateful for the opportunity to visit my family as often as we do. It means so much to me that my kids get to visit with their grandparents.
I am grateful for the sun that comes after the rain (or snow, since we saw a little this past week).
I am grateful that San Francisco is just a two hour drive away, so mini vacays are possible. Sometimes you just need a break from the everyday.
I am grateful for a husband who doesn't mind having Greys Anatomy marathons with me :)!
I am grateful for this valley we're walking through right now. There are days with many tears and complaints but there are days with rejoicing and thanks. Thanks for what God has in store and what He's already done.
I am grateful for Riley and Beck's personalities. I love that the older they get the more they become themselves. I hope that they continue to embrace it, because I do.

I'm thinking I want to do a blog lift. Maybe this Summer when I have more time to design it and when two of the blog designers I'd like to go to have time!

I'm also going to be doing a giveaway for a cute little company: SUI*generis Cute right?! I love when designers recycle everything :)!

Keep going?

2011-03-02T18:12:00.000-08:00

  I've been tossing around the idea of starting a new blog. I've been having the hardest time coming to this one and writing. I like the idea of something new and some change. I don't know. Maybe I just need to give this blog a facelift? At the same time, I don't want to let go of this blog because I documented a good part of our lives on here when Riley was born, and while I was pregnant with Beck. I feel a little bad that I didn't write as much about him as Riley, but its no use beating myself up about it :) Part of the reason I've stayed away from blogging was I compared my blog too many times to other blogs or felt pressured to keep up with everyone. I didn't want to push myself to write something if I didn't mean it. My kids and I are far from perfect and theres something really vulnerable about being that honest on a blog. Although I should be...

  We just celebrated Beck's 1st birthday, which came surprisingly fast, but then again they always do. I'm going to be setting up an appointment to visit a preschool for Riley. We through away all of the bottles in the house and baby toys. We're thinking of moving Riley to a loft bed that will have a bed below for Beck, for when he's ready. Riley no longer uses her paci (not as difficult as I thought!) and we've finally moved her into panties full time. Beck has started repeating words after me and has taken up to 4 steps at a time. Riley's been asking about ballet classes and school and I'm excited for Fall to roll around so she gets to experience both! Beck has been preferring Riley over me lately. He'd rather play with her or have her comfort him than me. I could probably go on and on about the changes in our kids but I won't. The whole point is, they're getting older, so fast. Which means while we remain a family of 4, we continue to change.
   Leif and I are constantly adapting to the different phases the kids are going through. I'm convinced that as soon as we get it down they do a little changing just to keep us on our toes.

  We wouldn't be here today, without God and His blessings. I am in awe that He has given me a family of my own. A husband that I can call best friend and spend the rest of my life with. Children that are both Leif and I, yet ALL of God's work. Someone told me today that my family was beautiful and I was just like "I KNOW! God is amazing!" I wish and hope all my friends get to experience the joy of marriage and raising a family with their closest friend. Nothing compares to this.

  Writing out this post has made me want to stick with blogging. I can do it. And I want to.

Post Partum Depression.

2011-02-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

I moved this post here: PPD

Color.

2011-01-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

The other day Riley came up to me and said "Mommy brown" pointing to my skin. I asked her what color she was and she said "Riley tan. I asked her what color daddy was, she said "Daddy pink" :) I've written before how we don't talk about color in our home, at least not yet. There's no need because at home we're simply a family. It's so different when we leave our home though...

I roll my eyes when parents say they're teaching their kids to be "color-blind" and they accept everyone. To me thats simply ignoring the fact that there are other types of people out there besides your own. Being color-blind in theory sounds good, but what good does it do a child if they never learn about other cultures or learn that there are other ethnicities besides their own. Other cultures should be respected, the person as a whole should be accepted. Colors and all.

Today I experienced a bit of racism. I'm still in shock and a little frustrated. Not frustrated because of the situation but my friends responses. I made the "mistake" of posting this in my status:

"This man just parked next to me, looked over at me then backed up and parked in another spot. One of the reasons I hate Chilis"

People responded of course, some just being surprised a person would do that, others defending Chilis, and then in a way defending the man. They knew what I was getting at but its hard for people, especially here in California to grasp that there are still people that are going to dislike others because of their color. Even if they have a black person telling them about different experiences they laugh it off nervously, making excuses or even sometimes calling you "too sensitive". Thankfully no one did this but people offered suggestions like "Oh its because you're a woman driver" (which in itself would have also made me upset... ;) Or maybe I did something to offend him, all joking of course. Yes, I did offend him, by being black. I got fed up because people either weren't taking it seriously or they were making terrible excuses. I don't blow up on facebook because its a waste of time, but when people I consider friends make jokes or defend someone who was doing something to spite me, I think I need to say something.

I can't describe the feeling when someone looks at you with such disgust and you begin to feel as if you don't belong there (And as Leif said, I didn't. We hate Chilis, haha.). I think what made me really upset was the fact that my children were with me. They don't understand now but one day they'll ask me. I don't want to hear someone tell me about how far we've come, believe me I'm aware. But are you aware of how far we need to go? Its sad but whats sadder is the fact that people deny that there are others out there that are still racist. Even here in California. I just got off the phone with my mom and she had to give me some tough love. I cried. Because there will be more experiences like this, and not just for me but my kids. That kills me.

I try not to talk about race because it makes people nervous. It used to make me nervous and I avoided it and stuck to me "only white friends". I'm a bit embarrassed about that time in my life, I was basically in denial. I know that a lot of my friends are too, despite the fact that here I am, living proof of certain things. I don't want to change anyone, but I would like people to be aware. The older I get the more I notice things and the more passionate I become. My children should not have to grow up surrounded by ignorant people, who will dislike them simply because they're brown. Its part of life though and the best I can do is prepare my kids. God made us this way and I never want my children to be ashamed, but to celebrate who they are.

Gratitude Thursday

2011-01-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

I'm bringing Gratitude Thursdays back!

I have been grumpy grumpy lately and I remembered that whenever I would

think of things I was grateful for it'd instantly turn my mood around:)

Today, I am grateful for the sun that was out for a little this morning. The sun is one

of my biggest motivators!

I'm grateful for the kids napping at the same time so I could spend sometime with Charlie and have some hot chocolate!

I'm grateful for our new tv because now we can watch movies without subtitles!

I am grateful for the downtime I've had so I can get back into baking and cooking.

I'm grateful for my creative and wonderful friends that keep inspiring me and encouraging me.

I am grateful for the opportunities I'm getting because of photography.

I am grateful for warm blankets and seasons of Law & Order on netflix:)!

I am grateful the things that are going to come this year.

About to Celebrate

2011-01-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

   It hit me the other day that my son is going to be turning 1 next month. I have no idea where this year went. It went by fast. Faster than with Riley. I keep crying because my little baby is not really a baby anymore. He looks like such a little boy. He still cuddles with me and lets me rock him to sleep though. He lets me hold him and is content just sitting on my lap. So different than Riley, haha. Yesterday he used the chair to walk around the dining room. I was like "What?!". With Beck I didn't track how many weeks he was, where his development was suppose to be. With Beck I went with the flow. It worked with him. He doesn't need a schedule like his sister did. He takes his time so I still let him drink out of his bottles. He still sleeps with us. Its different this time around.

  When Beck was born I assumed I would do everything the way I did with Riley. Even though I was well aware that he'd be his own person. I didn't realize that I'd have to change my ways and parent him almost in a different way than Riley. I love that my kids have their own personalities. I've loved watching Beck grow and seeing his personality become more apparent. He's just a sweet little boy. He loves to give kisses and has recently started hugging me. He is always smiling and so excited. My favorite is when he's been playing then sees me. He'll crawl as fast as he can and lift his arms for me to hold him. And with a huge smile. It melts my heart and makes me so grateful that I'm his mommy.

  Beck's upcoming birthday is bittersweet for me. I love that hes growing up but he is my baby. And we're not sure we'll be having any more kids so its hard for me to think about how as we're about to enter toddlerhood the baby stage might be gone forever. I'm thankful though that I've even had the opportunity to have and raise children. I say that a lot, but I mean it.

I feel it all.

2011-01-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

   Now that I'm older I'm learning that its okay that I'm a sensitive person. I used to think it wasn't. I was told to be tougher, to stop crying, to stop hurting. I was told that there was no place for someone like me in the "real" world. But I know its okay. I cry easily because I hurt easily. I hurt when people are mean to me, but I also hurt when others hurt. I wish I could describe what its like. Its hard for me to watch tv because I get so emotionally involved even though its not real. I will befriend anyone and love them until the end. I will take on their pain and hurt with them. I feel it all. I do.

  I know how to guard myself now and I have to talk myself through situations sometimes. I have to remind myself that I can't take everything personal. If people flake on me, its okay, theres a good excuse (usually). If someone makes fun of me, they are kidding. Its easier now. But I still feel it all. I feel what I watch. What I hear. I feel songs. I feel stories. I don't know if that makes sense. I cry a lot and pray a lot. I have a hard time carrying these things but God is capable of carrying it with me.

  I think my heart breaks a few times a week. Over so many things. I love with everything that I am. My friends and family mean everything to me. I will bend over backwards for them. I hate that I live so far away from the people that I'm closest to. I know that I have this heart for a reason. And I'm pretty sure I know what the reason is. Because of this I know that there's a God. A few years back, when I was studying to be a missionary, I asked God to break my heart the way His breaks.

He answered my prayers.

Happy belated Christmas.

2011-01-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

I meant to share these around Christmas.

We took these pictures when we were decorating our first tree:)

Also, these photos are the closest we've gotten to family pictures.

Hopefully we'll get some taken soon!

our Christmas corner:

Hello 2011.

2011-01-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

One of the best moments from 2010. When Riley met Beck.
When Riley met Beck from Margaret Jacobsen on Vimeo. &the kids now! Best friends:) Looking forward to this new year with them.

Kids playing together from Margaret Jacobsen on Vimeo.

Here's to 2010!

2010-12-30T15:48:00.000-08:00

While the end of 2010 wasn't the best I am thankful for a lot of things that happened to us this year. We saw a lot of change and we were most definitely blessed. Not only did we welcome another member into our family, but a business was started, our first family car was bought, we got our first family pet, Leif's job switched from contractor to federal employee and we were able to celebrate another birthday with our daughter.

I see even greater things happening in 2011:)

Life with kids.

2010-12-29T14:00:00.000-08:00

Recently I thought about why I wanted kids. I remember not wanting them in highschool and in college. Then I met Leif and I suddenly wanted 5 of them! I wanted to have a family with this person I fell in love with and wanted to marry. I happened to be on twitter and saw that babble.com had posted a link to a blog post about "Why Do You Want Kids". The blog post talked about how most answers that parents come up with aren't good enough for those who aren't parents. It also brought up that article that was in the New York magazine about how sure, you love your children but you hate your life. Pft!

I don't really want to go into the articles... I realized that I tend to be careful about what I say about being a parent. I have a lot of friends that don't want to have children, or thinking they have time to put it off. I know they read these articles and believe them. I listen to them tell me what life is like with children, even though they have none. I listen while they tell me how you never get time with your spouse/significant other. I listen when they tell me about how hard it is to go out on dates or travel. I listen and nod. Sometimes I say things like, "no its not like that" but it gets ignored. This isn't to say that I think that everyone should go out and get pregnant. I don't think this. But I get tired of hearing things from friends who aren't parents, about what life will be like. Especially when I'm sitting there, as a parent. Never have I judged friends who don't want kids, but its hard knowing that some of them judge me and my choices.

It bothers me that my friends believe that deep down Leif and I are unhappy. Or almost feel bad for us. I can't tell you how many times friends have apologized to me for the fact that I got pregnant at 20. It always catches me off guard. I don't feel sorry for myself so why should they? I love my children, AND I love my life. Leif and I have to plan out our dates and some weeks we both work so much that we don't get to actually talk to each other until we're going to bed. Most of our vacations are spent visiting our families, but what's wrong with that? We have to start setting money aside for Riley to do ballet or gymnastics. Because of this I probably won't get my gym membership as soon as I'd like. It could be worse. There are other new costs that come with having a toddler, almost two. But, while that means that we sacrifice going to the movies every month and having cable, we use our saved money on other things that Leif and I enjoy. Now that the kids are getting bigger, we're excited that we can now start planning for a small family trip and next Fall we're hoping and praying that going to France will work out for the two of us. We can't just pick up and take a weekend trip the way we used to be able to, we just have to work at it. We just have to try now. It doesn't bother us, and it doesn't make us bitter towards life.

I sound almost defensive... I just want to share that yes, our lives have become a bit more complicated but we love every moment. Leif and I feel so blessed that we have been able to have children, that we were given such wonderful gifts. I don't think parenting is for everyone, but it is for some and that should be respected.

Whats Next

2010-12-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

   We're experiencing a lot of change around here. Beck is slowly leaving the baby behind and getting closer to becoming a toddler. I feel as if his journey to toddlerhood marks the end of a chapter for Leif and I. Riley's little brother is now more of a playmate and best friend. My diaper bag is becoming lighter, and the bottles are now gone. I get excited when I think of life without a baby. Not that toddlers are so much easier, but its different. To the married couple who aren't parents, this isn't that big of a milestone but it is for us. We've had babies for the last two years and I don't even remember life without always holding, rocking and feeding a baby. Riley had about three months as a toddler without Beck but I don't recall it that well...

   I think this new part of life we're about to enter has made me want a baby a bit. But then I remember that I need to enjoy now. I feel as if I missed parts of Riley's growing up because I was pregnant or had to watch a newborn. If we're meant to have another baby it'll happen when its time. For now we are about to be parents to two toddlers. Lots more potty training and funny stories ahead for us!

  I'm going through a personal journey at the moment as well. I think the reason I haven't been blogging is because I wasn't ready to talk about this. I'm ready now. When I said I felt forgotten here in Monterey, I didn't mean by friends, I simply meant by God. I am sorting out what I believe. I grew up a certain way, and was taught a certain way. What to believe, who to be believe in. Even when I was at Biola and they challenged us to question our beliefs I was too afraid to. I remember once, while at a Buddhist temple, I thought maybe what I've grown up on is wrong? And that scared me so I never thought about it again. But now I think about it often. I talk about it. God says to love Him with your heart and your mind. For me it has always been mostly my heart. I'm an emotional person. I love with everything I am. I'm impulsive. This is why Leif is perfect for me. He's the opposite when it comes to things like this. He approaches everything from an academic standpoint and doesn't base things off of feelings.

   I am struggling. Really struggling. I believe in a God of love and grace. I believe He has made us equal, as in, we are all created in His image. Yet, the church has told me that homosexuals aren't equal. They don't deserve what the heterosexuals deserve. To me that goes against God's nature. I've seen the church use politics and take advantage of people. Men aren't perfect, they are human. But its hard to watch someone lead a congregation and have a staff that is corrupt because, at the end of the day they're just like you and I. They'd have you think otherwise though. I defend the church. I say every church is different, make excuses for them, but more and more I think I'm wrong. I want to have hope, because I'm a hopeful person, but I think this process is needed. If anything I'll just learn more about God and myself. Send me some prayers or positive vibes or whatever:)

This Season of our Lives

2010-12-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

   The past few months have been trying on Leif and I. I'm not even sure where to start. We've broken down a lot in the last few weeks. We've been frustrated and angry. There have been tears and lots of questions. "Why are we in Monterey?!" "Why are our kids growing up so far from their grandparents?" I know personally I've been upset with God and impatient with Him. I know there is a reason we are here, I know its important for something but we aren't seeing answers. That's hard on us. We haven't been happy, content yes, but not happy. We're tired and worn out. We feel as if we have no control and we have to just sit here and watch what unfolds. Isn't that how it is though? From work to not being able to go out alone to the kids sleeping in our bed instead of their own. Things around the house keep breaking and we think we're ahead but then a doctor bill comes. We don't want to use credit cards but somehow we end up using them. Nothing seems to go the way we planned. We've been in situations where nothing went according to plan but for some reason this time of our lives is especially hard.

   We were driving down to Southern California for Thanksgiving and Rileys birthday (I have to post about our now 2-year old!) and Leif and I talked about how this is just a season. It'll pass. Before we know it we won't be in Monterey, and we will be living near family and having to adjust to that. Our kids are going to be sleeping in their own beds for the rest of their lives so why worry about them wanting to be close to us now? There will come a time when Leif and I can go on dates as much as we want, we should take advantage of the family time now. Work will have its stressful moments but thankfully Leif has a job and my business has been growing. We can pay our bills and buy food and put gas in our car.

   Its hard living when you feel as if you can't stay above the water or find your footing. It really breaks a person when you constantly feel discouraged. I've never experienced this before so I'm really overwhelmed and unsure of what to do or how to handle everything. Normally I feel so prepared and know how to handle what life throws at me. But not this time. Dare I say it? I feel as if we have been forgotten here. I know this isn't true, but thats how it feels. I'm comforted though when I remember that this is a season. Be it long or short, its a season. And we will get through it.

  I must say the kids have been a constant reminder of goodness and joy for Leif and I. We are so blessed, even in times where it seems like nothing is going right. I know that I speak for both of us when I say that our babies have been the best things that have happened to us:)

   On to brighter and better things! I've been posting more frequently on my photo blog, photos of the kids and other things. Check it out! Just posted a new post about making changes in 2011! Photo blog!

Living.

2010-11-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

Everyday Riley wakes me up by pulling back the covers and saying "Morning mommy!" very loudly. It drives me nuts but I love it at the same time. I love that she is so eager to start the day. She's more than excited to simply... start living another day. Beck always wakes up smiling and laughing. I try to take notes from my children. Try to imitate their joy over the simplest of things. I find that when I do that, I feel so much better. As if I'm truly living life to the fullest. And really, that's the only way to live.

I am grateful for what God has given me. I find joy in the life He has given me to lead. Sometimes things are tough but He has always provided. And will continue to do so. I'm learning that I don't have time to waste on petty arguments, wanting things I don't have, being upset, gossiping, concerning myself with things that don't pertain to me, people that bring me down, complaining... My time is limited. I'd rather make sure that most of it (cause lets be realistic, I'm not perfect, ha!) is used to uplift, encourage, love, live, breath, celebrate, dance, praise, be happy, eat! And the list could go on.

I am all about living right here and now.

November

2010-11-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

   October was not my month. November, on the other hand, is! I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to wake up on Monday knowing it was November 1st. I was relieved and ready for some change. I know it seems odd that I would be that anxious to change months, but its made the biggest difference! My attitude is different and things are going much more smoothly. Granted, it is only the first week of November but I have a wonderful feeling about this month!

   I'm also really excited that its November because that means my baby girl will be celebrating her 2nd birthday on Thanksgiving! Eek! I think we're going to throw her a birthday party here in Monterey and in L.A. I'm excited:) She keeps saying "Happy Birthday Riley!" It always blows my mind that I'm Riley's mom. That two years ago she was still in my tummy and Leif and I would talk about what we thought she'd be like. Its weird that there was a time when she wasn't here, wasn't part of our family. I can't imagine life without her. She's the perfect mix of Leif and I. She's loud like me, but cautious like Leif. She observes a lot like Leif and loves people the way I do. She's very nurturing, wanting to take care of everyone. When someone hurts she hurts as well, ready to comfort. While shes caring she's independent and likes to do her own thing. She'll watch something you do once and repeat it perfectly. Many times she wants nothing to do with other kids but would rather sit with the adults "talking" and doing what they do. She would rather hang out with Beck though... Anytime she sits anywhere, eats anything, takes a bath, etc she asks for Beck or to share with Beck. I hope this continues!

  Leif and I are in constant amazement of Riley. She picks things up fast and puts so many sentences together but we have no idea that she knew half of the words she says. I love watching her personality develop as she gets older. Its weird because its like she was always like this. From the beginning. Its just much more obvious now. So amazing!

Enter this!

2010-10-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

Okay so I usually don't blog about others giveaways... Mostly because I read about them AFTER the fact:) But a friend of mine, who happens to be SO creative and talented, is about to launch her new website this week! In honor of that she's doing a giveaway of the headband above. Beautiful right? I think so! Soo head on over to her blog: Tasteful Tatters Blog and enter the giveaway:) I know I have a few followers so I'd like to see all of you that take the time to read my blog, to hit up her blog! Plus I'd like to see one of you win! Let me know if you enter!

Other ways you can check out Tasteful Tatters:

Etsy.

Facebook page.

Website.

{p.s. I got to shoot all the photos that will be in her new lookbook! I'm so excited about it!}

{p.s.s. Yes, I took the above photo. Beautiful model right?!}

2010-10-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

{Blessings}

My mom called me the other day after I sent her a video of the kids playing together. She sounded so sad and said she was really missing the kids :( It made me so sad. This is something I struggle with daily. Being apart from the kids grandparents. I'm constantly telling Leif how I hate that they're missing out on the kids growing up. To me it just doesn't seem fair and why must plane tickets be so expensive?! I am grateful for skype and for camera phones. I try to send a few photos and videos to both sets of parents on a daily basis. Hopefully that helps and they can get an idea of how the kids are growing. I've been praying about it a lot, praying that doors would open that would make traveling to grandparents easier... That there would be opportunities for us to visit with grandparents in Oregon and in L.A. I've been stressing out because we aren't suppose to be visiting Oregon until maybe the spring of next year and I hate the idea of that much time passing before my in-laws see Beck and Riley. Beck will be one and Riley will be going on two and a half! I want them to see Beck before he's a toddler :( He's such a sweet baby and the baby stage only lasts for so long.

God's good though. If we have to wait until spring we have to wait until spring. He has a plan and I need to remember to trust that. Grandparents, know that your grandchildren love you all so much!

23 months old!

2010-10-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

   Today dear girl you turn 23 months old! Daddy and I couldn't believe it when we realized the date. Only a few more weeks until you are a 2 year old! AH! I love asking you how old you're going to be because you always say "TWO!". I hope that I pull my self together to plan out your birthday party. I think you deserve to be celebrated.

   Thank you for waking us up every morning with a "Hi daddy! Hi mommy!". It makes getting up so much more pleasant:) Thank you for doing everything and saying everything with such joy and enthusiasm. I definitely have two of the happiest children. Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing your snacks with your brother and taking such good care of Charlie. You are such a caring and gentle soul. You take it upon yourself to make sure everyone is taken care of. I love that about you. I also love that you are a mini version of your father. Lately you've been reading his art books and getting so excited over the paintings. You flip through, and tell me how pretty the paintings are.

  Somedays I get bummed because your grandparents, aunts and uncles aren't here to watch you grow. You've been changing so much and I hate that they have to miss out on it. I want them to see you wash dishes with me, and listen to you put sentences together. I want them to know how much you love baby Beck and love cuddling with daddy. I think theres only so much a photo and some words can translate. Know that you are so loved, and not just by family. But our friends as well. So many people love you and care so much about you!

  I wish you weren't napping (kind of) so I could give you a hug and kiss, and tell you how much I love you. My favorite is when you say "I love you too!" Or when you hear daddy come home and you rush to the door shouting "Daddy! Daddy!". I know it makes his day:) I think its cute that ever since you were a baby you have looked forward to daddy coming home from work. I hope you always will. He loves it. And he loves you so much.

  We all do. Beck thinks you're the best sister in the world and admires you so much. If he could he'd cuddle with you all day, and share snacks with you. Thank you for being such a great example to him already. I'm happy that he has you to look up to for the rest of his life!

  When you wake up we'll celebrate this day with cookies and apple juice. &lots of hugs and kisses!

&I celebrate.

2010-10-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

Here is to text messages that simply read: I love you. To the friends that got married today {congrats!}To husbands that change plans to help out. To knowing a best friend called. To long letters from good friends that no matter how little you talk, you will forever be close. To friends who are in love and moving forward in relationships. Here is to clean houses and dinners with friends. To weekends spent together, be it cooking, cleaning, lounging... together. Here is to skyping and chatting with siblings. To working out with friends, sweating and laughing together. To emails from friends far away. To baking and enjoying. Here is to growing. To staying positive amidst trials and tough places. To those that build you up, and encourage. Here is to my family and my friends. How blessed is a person to have relationships with those that will love them unconditionally.

I celebrate tonight. Celebrate the little victories (really they're the most important, and big steps. I am thankful for today and excited for tomorrow:)!

Disconnected.

2010-10-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

   I'm not sure what I'd like to say... Maybe that I'm really tired and I miss my best friends. I don't remember the last time I talked to my mom or my sister. Let alone, my dad. I realized the other day that I'm working hard at something because I think thats what I'm suppose to do but not necessarily what I'd like to do. I thought a talk I was going to have yesterday with someone would encourage and help me, but it just further confused me. I hate being disappointed : /

   I do know that I'm thankful for the people who I never expected to be close friends. Those are the people that build me up the most and support me no matter what. I am happy for this last week because I've had a lot of clarity when it comes to my photography (Did you guys know I changed blogs?) I know what direction I want to go with it, and I'm so happy about that. I'm still feeling disconnected from things and I'm not sure why. No matter what my house is never all the way clean, there are always dishes in my sink, always laundry to be washed or folded (or both), one of the kids or Leif needs me, there are always meals to be cooked, always photos to be edited, always lots of emails to return, always errands that need to be run, always people I need to see and call... Always. I'm never on top of everything, no matter how hard I try. Its discouraging. I try to accept it but I hate that sometimes I drop the ball. Well drop it often.

   Leif and the kids still love me though, despite how messy things get around here:) I am happy to be loved by them.

Yea Beck!

2010-10-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Beck turned 8 months old:)

I can't believe it.

He's crawling around, trying to eat everything and he just pulled himself up to stand

on the walker...

Whoa!

Its all happening even faster than it did with Riley.

At least thats how it seems.

Beck has started to say "uh-oh". And its probably the cutest thing ever.

He still loves snuggling and can still fall asleep anywhere.

He can also sleep through anything.

Now thats he's older and able to follow her around,

Riley has definitely been enjoying having a playmate.

I think one of my favorite things in the world is watching them play together:)!

Whoa!

2010-10-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

Riley is sorry. from Margaret Jacobsen on Vimeo.

So its been forever since I last posted. Things have been hectic!

I do miss blogging and my mom keeps asking why she hasn't gotten any new photos :)

Well here's a cute video of Riley

and a video of Beck crawling.

Beck's about to hit 8 months and Riley is going to be turning 23 months...

Which means Leif and I will be celebrating her 2nd birthday soon.

We're really shocked at how fast it came but we're excited to celebrate!

Crawling Beck. from Margaret Jacobsen on Vimeo.

21 Months!

2010-08-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

Riley girl! How did we get here so fast?! Please tell me why you'll be turning two in just 3 months? You blow our minds! Daddy and I don't know how you catch on to things so fast, constantly doing new things we had no idea you were capable of doing. You're too funny, and you know this. You make Beck laugh constantly, and you take such good care of him. Thank you baby girl:) I'm impressed by your counting abilities and abc's reciting abilities. Everyday you make me play your letters dvd so you can go over them. You can point out some letters and its cute because you believe you're reading to us. I think one of the cutest things you do is say "I sawwwy" after you've been in time out or when you know you've done something wrong. Its hard for us to stay mad at you, especially when you follow it with a kiss and hug. You are always making us proud and theres nothing better than coming home from working and having you run to the door shouting "Mama mama!" or "Daddy!Daddy!". Thank you for always making all of us feel loved, for telling us all the time how you love us, for giving out lots of kisses and hugs. You mean the world to us!

Lately I've been really amazed at the fact that I am a mother of two wonderful children. I keep thinking over and over: I am so blessed! Having children and being a mommy is not something I take for granted. I am so grateful that God has given me children to love and raise. I go back and forth between putting Riley and Beck in daycare of some sort. Somedays, when I have a lot on my plate I wish I had taken the opportunity to sign them up for at least hourly care! But most days I love having them home with me. I love making lunch for Riley and eating it with her on the floor. I love making Beck laugh by making silly noises. I love that I haven't missed out on any of Rileys milestones. There will come a time eventually, when my kids will have to go off to school and leave me, but until then I am going to enjoy every minute they're at home. Even the trying momentes:)

Thank You Leif!

2010-08-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Kayaking a few weeks ago!

Leif, tomorrow we'll celebrate us, celebrate what we started over three years ago. There are so many things that I could thank you for, but I want to specifically thank you for being such a supportive and understanding husband to me. I know these past few months have been crazy around here with the start up of my photography business, but you have not once complained. You have come straight home from work, taken over dinner and gladly watched the kids so I'm able to go out and shoot or meet deadlines. You've given up most of your weekends to stay at home with the babies while I have sessions and meetings. And you always try to have dinner ready for me when I get back:) You have worked around my schedule, making sure that what I need to get done gets done. Thank you for always getting up with the kids at night if need be and letting me sleep and for doing the dishes before you go to bed! You have sacrificed so much these past few months and I hope you know how grateful I am. It doesn't go unnoticed. I wouldn't have been able to do all of this if it wasn't for you! Sometimes things are difficult without the help of family but you handle it all so well.

Thank you Leif. I love you. I'm blessed to be married to you and have you as my main support system. Thank you for thinking I can do anything and for encouraging me to just go ahead and do things! I love that you believe in me. It makes it easier for me to believe in myself. Basically, thanks for being my biggest fan, for always rooting for me, and for always pushing me to do my best.

Riley & Beck

2010-08-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

I had to take a picture of this because Beck looks huge! And it feels like yesterday when he could fit his whole body on my chest. I always wanted to point out how different my children are. This is an example of Becks easy going-ness(?) He can fall asleep anywhere and be content. He can also sleep through almost anything. Riley on the other hand, once she was about 5 months old refused to sleep anywhere other than her crib for the most part. Sure she fell asleep in the carseat but would always wake up when I brought her in. There was even a period of time where I couldn't shower while she napped because she'd wake up. She is a lot more picky and particular with things, while Beck just goes with the flow. I like how different my children are. Riley is more independent and can fall asleep on her own no problem. Beck is clingy and hates being alone, so I had to start training him to fall asleep on his own really early on. I wish that Riley would fall asleep on me, but I am grateful that she likes to wrap her arms around my neck while she sleeps. Such a big improvement from when she was a baby:) I'm also happy that my son appreciates me enough to cuddle up to me all the time.

And how fun is that our children have such different personalities?

Happy 6 Months to Beck!

2010-08-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

Beck is 6 months old! These pictures were taken of him yesterday:) Riley decided to feed him for me. He was so happy when she started to feed him! He kept laughing and smiling, and the food kept falling out of his mouth cause he was so excited. I can't believe how big he's getting! Sitting up, rolling around, getting around slowly. He's definitely been trying to keep up with Riley and has been getting frustrated because its not really happening, haha. Its cute though the way he admires her. And she'd do anything to make him happy.

Little man, I can't believe its already been 6 months! Time has flown! Everyday you become a bit more independent. Thankfully not as fast as your sister. You still let me rock you, snuggle with you, hold you. Thank you. Thank you for being my baby, you're so sweet and I never get tired of hearing you coo and giggle. It makes my heart so happy! I believe it when they saw that moms and sons have a special relationship. Its so true. I cried the other day when I was at a wedding and I watched the son dancing with his mother. I can't believe you'll ever be that big! Until then though, we'll keep snuggling and laughing together. You're such a good boy, thank you. I've never met such a laid back baby who simply laughs when his sister sits on him or when you get poked in the eye. When Riley got her shots, I never cried because she never cried. You on the other hand break my heart when you get your shots... I dread taking you because the look you give me after kills me! You're so sensitive sometimes and its hard for me to handle because you have the most pitiful saddest cry. Yet even then you try so hard to smile at us. You are by far one of the most joyful people I know. Thank you for that, everyday. I love you so much mr.!

Although this post is mostly for Beck I had to include two cute pictures of Riley washing her dishes:)

New Hobby: DJ'ing

2010-08-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

Introducing my new hobby!

I'm learning to DJ!

I'm so excited to finally have a chance to do this.

It's something I've always wanted to do, but I never had any idea how I'd go about learning :)

I met Nikki a few weeks ago and she told me her husband was a DJ.

When I told her I'd always wanted to learn, she told me her husband (Ro) would be more than happy to teach me!

YES!

I had Leif take pictures because this was so important to me :)

Ro was really patient with me and didn't mind my (probably ridiculous) questions.

I'm already checking craigslist daily for affordable turntables to practice and learn on.

Learning to DJ is on my dream list.

Happy I'm able to check that off

that my dreams are coming true!

New Hair.

2010-08-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

I cut the fro!

I had some bad dreads so it had to be done.

I realized though halfway through cutting it the front looked awesome

why ruin something so good?

I kept it.

Realizing later I totally channeled Elly Jackson of La Roux

and Janelle Monae.

I'm in love with it and change is good.

I still have the goal of growing my hair big but until then

I will enjoy this fresh start.

I've been having a hard past two weeks so this

has felt good.

I am embracing it and hoping for

exciting things to happen!

The kids in photos.

2010-08-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't really taken pictures of the kids as often as I'd like. I took so many of Riley but now that I'm taking pictures of so many other people pictures of the kids kind of come last. I hate that and so I'm attempting to snap a few each day. Here are some I took yesterday:

My room seems to have the best lighting so the kids and I just hung around on the bed while I snapped a few photos. Look how beautiful my children are! Definitely gifts from God. I wish that Leif had been home so I could have gotten him in a few photos. I'm trying to take more pictures of him as well.... and myself. These moments as a young family are fleeting and I'd like to document as much of it as possible. Nothing fancy, just us in the everyday. I'm learning more about myself and learning that those types of photos are my favorite. The photos of people living life. How wonderful and perfect!

Another life update.

2010-08-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

Life lately has been good. I think its been more than good, its been wonderful, perfect and an adventure. How it should be right? Despite not having any sun around here for awhile, I feel as if our spirits are still pretty high:) Today it got to me a bit but I chose not to dwell on those feelings, rather be greatful for the company that I got to spend time with today.

I recently had to say goodbye to my best friend Summer this past weekend. It wasn't the goodbye I would have liked to end our time in Monterey on. I think its because we both assumed we'd be seeing each other the next morning but things didn't work out so the sucky goodbye had to do. In a way it was good because it was like our other goodbyes... like an "Okay I'll see you tomorrow" kind of goodbye. I know I'm going to see her again, hopefully next summer, but either way, we'll see each other again!

Besides seeing another friend go (oh I must write a post about the military life here...), I've been growing. I think Leif has been too. We've learned to be grateful where we are, to embrace what life has to offer us here. It's good for us and we might almost be back to the outlook we originally had when we first moved here. We'll see... For now we're taking it a day at a time, enjoying what God's blessed us with and looking forward.

The kids are also growing. Literally of course. Our baby girl is not really a baby any longer. Her talking is blowing us away, counting and saying abc's. She is mostly potty trained. She caught on really fast and has adjusted well to it. We haven't tried using the potty at night yet, so we'll see how that goes. I do know that I love only having to change one child's diapers! We started giving Riley time outs when she disobeys, just a minute in the corner and that's worked out. She understands it and always comes to us after and says "I sawwwy. I loveeee you" Of course you feel terrible for putting such a perfect child in timeout ;) For awhile Riley was fighting bedtimes but has gone back to her wonderful old ways. And the cutest part about her going to bed is, she'll grab a book and read it in her bed before she lays down and falls asleep. I think it's so adorable! Sometimes she comes to our room early in the morning to sleep with us, but you can get her back into her bed which is a relief to me... Beck is still sleeping part of the night with us so the bed gets crowded!

Beck, my sweet little boy, I could snuggle with you all day! Look how adorable my son is! And he just gets cuter everyday. Beck really is such a sweet baby. He falls in love with everyone and will make you think you're the center of his world. He has tons of smiles to offer and he is so happy just being surrounded by people. Just recently he started rolling around and somehow moving towards things. He takes his time and just enjoys everything. He is in no rush. We started him on solids and he is loving it. He cries when Riley has food and can't give it to him. The other day I walked into the living room and caught Riley feeding Beck her yogurt. He was in heaven. I think my favorite thing is when they sleep next to each other in our bed and cuddle. Oh, and when they "talk" to each other in the car. I love my babies together! Beck is still an excellent sleeper. Finally figured out his schedule and it works out that him and Riley take their afternoon nap together. 2 hours of me time! Thank you children!

All in all things are going well. We haven't really seen the sun around these parts in awhile, but we're hoping that summer will finally start sometime soon here in Monterey!

Behind on posting!

2010-07-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

A life update: My son recently turned 5 months and my daughter is about to turn 20 months in 3 days. My photography business is going well. I'm loving the work that comes with it and the great people I get to spend time with. I've been trying to invest time into my relationships, truly invest in them and its been amazing. I'm thriving. I'm living. I love the being busy. I'm learning to be content where I am and I'm feeling the blessings. God's gracious and oh so good to us. I would have never chosen to live in Monterey on my own but everyday I begin to love it a little more. I'm at the place where I am thankful for living here. I used to hate the fact that I had to live amongst so much military, I hate goodbyes. Now, I love that I get to meet so many different people that in any other situation I probably wouldn't be friends with. When Leif and I talk about Oregon I actually get nervous about not having a base close by to find friends! :)

This weekend will be mellow so I can actually sit down and write a detailed blog post. I really do miss blogging and my poor parents have been begging for pictures... I am sorry I've become busy! Soon though!

[So I was trying to post pictures everyday from our trip in Oregon and I think I confused people and they think we're there now? Oh well... I'm just going to have to do one big post and if you can't follow it well its my fault for not updating when we were actually in Oregon]

A Day in Portland

2010-07-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Below are a few photos we took in Portland... Which happens to be my favorite city ever! Seattle gets second:) We had started the day off with our good friends who live right outside of Portland, and then met up with my wonderful and talented friend Moorea. I know I've blogged about her before. She's brilliant! And beautiful. Inside and out.

Everything about Portland to me, is perfect. Its right by the river and its surrounded by trees. I'm used to L.A. which isn't half as clean as Portland, and there are very few trees surrounding it. The atmosphere is wonderful and you hardly ever meet a mean person. Everyone is just different in Portland. Or I want them to be... I think that everyone needs to visit. Or even live. I hope and pray that if we move to Oregon we get to move to Portland. I love it.

We spent another day in the city, just Leif and I. We were there from about 9:30 until 7pm. And we weren't tired yet. Every time I go into the city I get on this high and I don't want to leave. The shopping is amazing, the food is even better and I really enjoy the people watching you can do. People say Portland is weird, I say its awesome.

Day 1 in Oregon!

2010-07-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures from our first day in Oregon. It was also my 23rd birthday! We stayed over night in some little town close to Redding. At first I was really unsure about it because we found this couple on couchsurfer and I was sure we were going to get murdered. We got off the freeway and had to drive back into the woods and it just got darker and darker. I was not a happy camper.

I made Leif go in first and he was greeted by the sweetest little woman. I was relieved and slept pretty well that night. The house was beautiful and I kind of hope I have a log cabin house someday. I also think that the next time we drive up to Oregon we'll stop over in Redding. Its nice taking a break and waking up totally refreshed and ready for 7 hours of driving.

It was wonderful to be back in Oregon. I love it more and more each time we visit. My mother in law made me enchiladas and a cake! Best enchiladas I've ever had. And my birthday cake was pretty awesome too:) I got to blow out these super cool candles and I hope I can find candles similar for Riley's 2nd birthday. It was a good way to celebrate my birthday. I loved it.

I was happy that my two sisters and my father in law were finally able to meet Beck. That was one of the best parts of the trip. It never gets easier living apart from family. I pray that sometime soon we'll either be able to move back to L.A. or up to Oregon. I really want my kids to be close to their grandparents. They grow up so fast!

Roadtrip

2010-07-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

  We're heading out from Oregon this morning. I have a good amount of photos to post. So bummed my camera died before the wedding... But I doubt I would have taken many pictures. I was too busy enjoying the awesome people, dancing and my champagne:) I am a little sad though because Leif looked amazing in his tux. Ugh and now that I think about it I wish I had had my camera when we visited with our dear friends the Moshers. Okay, I'm done kicking myself over it!

   I'm leaving Oregon feeling blessed, inspired, rejuvenated, refreshed, hopeful and full. The people we spent time with here have touched my life in so many ways. I am thankful for my family here and for the friends Leif has kept over the years. It blows my mind that all the groomsmen have been friends for as long as they have and continue to have strong relationships. Even with Leif who lives in another state. Friendships like that are rare, and should be cherished and held on to. I feel honored in a way to have been brought into this circle of friends.

   [oh and I posted a sneak peak of my in- laws over at my photo blog!]

Pray we have a safe journey down with little to no problems.

2010-07-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

   I don't understand why its been so hard for me to blog lately. I just can't seem to get into the groove. Its not that I don't want to, I do. I start blog posts all the time and promise myself that I'll go back to them. I don't. I move on to something new.

   Ever since my life became a lot more hectic blogging has taken a backseat. Before it was so important to me to record as much as possible. I still want to, but I'm having a hard time forcing myself to write. I like when things come easily, but nothing seems to come that easy anymore. I think it might be because I have so much on my mind constantly. Thoughts going in so many directions. Ah!

   I do miss the blogging world. I miss being able to share events and happenings with family and friends. I hope that soon I'll be able to get back into the swing of things... Until then, know I read all of your blogs and just because I don't comment doesn't mean I don't care! I try to comment as often as possible. And to family and friends who read this to know whats going on with us, I'm sorry! We're all doing well and I will assure you a good update is coming!

My Babies Daddy.

2010-06-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

I love watching Leif with the babies. I love watching him play with them, read to them, snuggle with them. Sometimes I envy his way with them. He's much more patient and calm with them (unless Riley gets food on the rug and couch, or touches his shoe boxes). I watched him comfort Riley early the other morning at 5 when she was upset... Instead of asking me to handle it since he had to go into work early, he simply laid there with her, talking to her and reminding her that it was okay. Instead of falling asleep, I watched and was thankful for this man.

This is one of the things I wanted most out of a husband. Someone who would be a good, loving father. That's what Leif is. It amazes me how much he loves his children. Hearing him boast about them to his friends has to be one of the cutest things. He's such a proud papa. He's always telling our daughter that she's beautiful and loved. Something that is so important for her to hear. He takes time to just sit with Beck and talk to him. Beck never laughs as much as he does when hes with Leif. My kids are so blessed. And I'm a blessed woman to be married to such a man.

I love that Leif is the man I get to have and raise children with. He is the perfect father for our babies.

Celebrating 4 Months!

2010-06-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

   Little man, I still can't believe you're ours. It seems like yesterday that we were bringing you home from the hospital. I still remember when Riley saw you for the first time and couldn't believe you were ours to keep! She loves you so much. I know you know this. At playdates she's constantly checking on you and giving you kisses to remind you that she's watching out for you. If anyone even comes close to you she pushes them away and comforts you with a pat on the hand. Even though you didn't mind.

   You're a people person and you hate being alone. Its cute. If you're ever left by yourself you get the saddest little face and let out the most pitiful whimper. Lucky for you you get to share a room with Riley! You're happiest when you're with Riley and in someones arms. You love to cuddle, much more than Riley ever did so I'm taking advantage of it while I can! You're like Riley, loving people and smiling at everyone who talks to you. You're such a content and happy baby.

Except when you get shots. It breaks my heart taking you to get shots. You're a bit more sensitive than Riley was so it really caught me off guard when you started screaming after your most recent shots. I cried a little too because I felt terrible... You were smiling up at me and the nurse then a minute later your face was so red. I'm sorry baby boy. I'm dreading going back in two months. Just remember, mommy loves you so much!

  I love listening to you babble. Its adorable! And you have so much to say. How does someone so tiny already have so much to share? My favorite is when you and Riley laugh together in the backseat while I'm driving. Everyday you interact with us more and more. Its exciting to watch you change. I thought, because I had been through all of this before, it wouldn't be that exciting. But it is! I'm having so much fun. Thank you son. Thanks for making life even better than it was. You're the sweetest little baby and I can't get enough of you.

Happy 4 Months Mister.

I love you. Everything about you. Lets cuddle!

Life is good.

2010-06-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here watching my children interact with each other and I'm in total awe. What is this life I find myself leading? A very blessed one I think. One that is never short of adventures and always has snacks included. I watch my daughter read to Beck and point things out to him. He beams of course because Riley is his favorite person and shes spending time with him. I listen to her tell him all about the animals in her book and he laughs and babbles along with her. Its one of the cutest things I've ever seen.

Its hard to remember life before babies. I miss it from time to time but not enough to wish that life back. Three years ago we were talking about marriage and babies. Talking about how we couldn't wait to be forever roommates and raise children together. Now we find ourselves about to celebrate our 3rd year of marriage, with two adorable children, and living in our second home together. We've learned that life doesn't wait on you, it just seems to happen. So many times we've mapped out plans for ourselves, for our family and over and over again we've watched those plans fall apart or change. We never mind though because God seems to always have something better waiting for us. Both my children were these better plans that were given to us.

I am so grateful for the eloping, the surprise pregnancies, the job losses, the moving,

the really good times and the really bad.

Without those experiences we wouldn't be here today

with these sweet babies who just so happen to be the

perfect mix of Leif & I

I love my little family.

Catching Up.

2010-06-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

Its 4:30 in the morning and I'm sitting here trying to catch up on blogs I haven't read in... well weeks. Then I'm going to go through emails and attempt to write some people back, unless sleep over takes me. And I'd make some phone calls if it wasn't so early in the morning:)

I'm in the process of learning how to balance so many things at once. Can I just say that I really admire mothers who work! So admirable. I didn't realize just how difficult it would be for me to keep up my normal house duties while starting my photography business. My poor little house has been neglected and my poor husband hasn't had breakfast or dinner made as often as usual. I haven't stepped foot in the gym in about two weeks and who knows the last time I had "me-time". I think though I might be getting the hang of it... I'm really learning time management. I thought I knew all there was to know about time management but I was oh so wrong. Things are looking up though and I like to think they can only get better. Soon I'll be supermom! Or something close to that.

I should be sleeping because morning is fast approaching but its so quiet and I feel refreshed in a way. I've been able to collect my thoughts and reflecting on the last few weeks. I can't remember the last time I just sat and thought without holding a baby or making dinner. This is such a beautiful time of day.

Goodnight.

Pictures!

2010-06-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

This is a picture post:) All of these photos are from our Memorial Day weekend trip in L.A. We had an amazing time and I had such a hard time coming back. I made sure I took lots of photos this time, especially since it was graduation for a few of my friends. So happy I was there to celebrate with them! I'm hoping that sometime in the Fall or end of the Summer, we'll be able to take a week long trip down there. Three days just isn't enough!

Update

2010-05-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Look at this, I'm actually writing a blog post:)

As of late I've been ridiculously busy. I have not been this busy since college. I'm not used to going to bed after 1 and only sleeping about 5 hours. I'm also not used to having stuff to do on top of the normal chores that come with being a housewife. Being busy isn't a bad thing though. It just keeps me from blogging and cleaning my house from time to time;)

A few moms and I have started a playgroup. We meet almost everyday and switch of houses. Its been really refreshing and Riley has been having such a good time. Its fun to watch her interact with other kids. Most of my evenings are spent shooting, as are my weekends. I'm thankful for all the opportunities I've had and for all the doors that have been opened regarding photography. Its a lot more work than I had anticipated but I am definitely enjoying every minute:)

Since my last post Beck has turned 3 months old and Riley 18 months. Becks at the age where he is starting to put himself on a schedule. Things are more predictable with him, it makes planning a lot easier. I think he's the sweetest baby ever. He hates to be alone and will do this pitiful cry until someone, anyone comes into the room. As soon as he knows someones there he'll start laughing and cooing. I'm pretty sure his favorite person is Riley. Lately she's been sitting next to him while hes in the boppy or the bumpo, talking to him and showing him her toys. They'll sit like that for about a half hour. Its adorable. I love it when she just kisses him and pats his back. His face lights up and he gets the biggest smile. My heart gets so happy watching the two of them together.

Riley is the funniest toddler I know. She's like a little mommy. Always trying to help out where she can. At our playdates she tries to feed everyone, even the the kids her own age. When someone gets hurt she gets so worried and concerned. And every baby she sees deserves a kiss. She's picked up counting and saying her abc's. Sometimes in order, sometimes not. I don't know where she picked these things up, but its cute. She's really observant and watches everything everyone does. If you watch her you'll notice that she's always thinking things through, going over stuff in her head. Its cute. When you give her anything new, for instance food... She'll taste it a little, stop, think and then if she likes it finish it. If not she'll shake her head and push it away. Currently shes going through an obdient phase where tantrums aren't really being thrown and anything I ask is getting done. But I know that around the corner is another tantrum phase... I'm just trying to enjoy how well behaved she is being right now and take it all one day at a time!

All Grown Up.

2010-05-19T01:52:00.000-07:00

Riley is now in a big girl bed.

When did this happen?!

I am proud of my little girl. She's adjusted well to her new bed. She didn't even notice the change. She did realize her new-found freedom though :) She's gotten up a couple times in the middle of the night to get herself milk or to turn on the tv. It's so cute telling her its time for bed, and then watching her climb into her bed. Every time she lays down she has the biggest smile on her face. Cutest thing ever.

Happy 12 Weeks!

2010-05-14T15:12:00.000-07:00

Beck is 12 weeks old today!

I feel as if I blinked and suddenly, my son, you're no longer a scrawny little newborn. You're taller, you've filled out, and you're always smiling and laughing. You have joy! I love it. As soon as you hear my voice or Riley's you start to kick and wave your arms around. You get so excited! Watching your face light up is amazing! I never get tired of it. And the giggles. Oh.my.gosh. They're precious.

Beck, I love having you in my life. I love your calm and joyful spirit. I think you're the cutest little man and I want to hold you constantly. I will never get tired of feeding you or changing your diapers. Its for such a short time I get to do this. I already miss so many things I used to do with your sister. She's so independent these days. I will always cuddle with you and sing to you. Even when you ask me not to. I'm going to be your biggest fan forever. I promise.

You're sleeping right now but I'm going to kiss you a few times anyways.

Mothers Day Post.

2010-05-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

How we spent mothers day.
Well Leif wanted to make me breakfast but we were out of eggs so instead
we went to Dennys for breakfast. Its one of my favorite places to go. I love pancake puppies.
After Dennys we had to sign papers for the car, which wasn't so bad. It was kind of nerve racking actually. Buying a car is a big decision and commitment!

We lounged around a lot of the day. Leif worked on the other car and it now runs wonderfully.
We're trying to decide if we want to have two cars or sell the old car and just have one.

We got to go to our favorite beach and hang out a bit. The weather originally had been cloudy with some drizzle but by 5 it had cleared and we got to watch the sun set over the ocean. Praise Jesus.
I prayed the sun would come out so we could celebrate at the beach!

Some photos

Mothers Day so far..

2010-05-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

These are the two gifts my husband got me for Mothers Day:

Someone told me that everything changes when you move up to a full frame.

ITS SO TRUE!

My life will never be the same.

I'm in the process of re-building my portfolio...

starting up my photography business.

That's a big reason why I haven't been blogging much.

I'll be sure to write an update about it soon though!

In the mean time I'll be updating my photography blog (errr I just updated it)

About the car:

Friday night I took a drive by myself and called my mom. I was having a terrible day and my night wasn't going any better. After my mom prayed with me, I felt a bit better so I drove to McDonalds (yes I go to McDonalds and I love it) and picked up some fries. I parked for a minute enjoying my last few minutes alone before going home. When I did try to go home though my car wouldn't start. I wasn't surprised but I wasn't pleased. Since my day had gone horribly wrong this just made me upset. Plus my husband wasn't picking up his phone. Oh Fort Ord and you're terrible reception. After an hour and a half a tow truck came and saved me. Well the man in it, ha. Basically my car is dead. So Leif spent all day today looking at a car to bring home. He succeeded! This is my new car! I've always wanted a Prius so it works out nicely. And its gold. Fancy huh?

Blessings:

2010-05-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sweetest Words.

2010-05-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

This adorable little girl just told me she loved me for the first time.
I can't even begin to describe the feeling I got when she said it.
I wanted that moment to last forever.

I'm so blessed.

Sunday Funday.

2010-05-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

We haven't gone to the beach in awhile. I'm not sure why not... Its literally outside our front door. Today though, we ventured to the beach. It wasn't just any beach though. It was the Fort Ord Dunes Beach.

BESTBEACHEVER!

It was a quiet beach that you kind of had to hike to. I think the best part was getting to the beach from the parking lot. You had to walk through this valley-like area which was so much fun. Riley loved it. She did not like the ocean though. Just a few months ago she thought the ocean was amazing but not anymore. She did enjoy saying ocean though:)

I want to remember.

2010-04-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a wonderful night.

Tonight is wonderful because my husband, sad that we didn't get to really spend time together tonight, got up with me at 1 in the morning while I pumped. He even tried really hard to stay awake and talk to me. Earlier I had gone to the gym despite feeling icky and came home from the gym feeling even worse so I went straight to bed at 9:30 instead of pumping or cleaning up the house. Although he was waiting to play a game of scrabble with me, he brought me some medicine instead, made sure I was comfortable and picked up the house for me while I slept.

The second reason why tonight is wonderful is because Riley came to bed with us. I know that a few months ago I was complaining, or venting, about how she refused to stay in her bed and we missed having the bed to ourselves. Eventually she went back to her own bed only coming to our bed in the morning, but once or twice a week in the middle of the night she wakes up and wants to come to bed with us. We are more than happy to let her since its not every night, haha. Tonight though, I was up finishing laundry after I pumped and I heard her cry. She either wanted her pacifier that she couldn't find or milk. I went in and sure enough she was standing which meant she wanted some milk and most likely to sleep with us.

After getting her milk she walked into our room and instead of her usual, walking to Leifs side of the bed, she walked to mine. I loved it. She got comfortable on my pillow and once I climbed in, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. She stayed like that until she fell asleep. Opening her eyes every once in awhile to give me a kiss and smile at me. It was perfect and at that moment I could care less that she was slowly edging me out of the bed. There are so many special moments that I share with her, but this one was really special to me. Riley usually prefers Leif to me, something I don't really mind. But at night she always prefers to fall asleep next to me. I don't take that for granted. I cherish it. This was a moment and night I want to remember.

I feel so loved and appreciated!

17 Months!

2010-04-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

This little lady just turned 17 months.

Yes, I still celebrate the monthly birthdays:)

Riley, you are so full of personality. Daddy and I are constantly being amused by you and your funny ways. We never get tired of hearing you shout "Oh no!" when you drop something. I'm not even sure where you picked that up. You're the best helper a mom could have. You're also the best big sister a boy could have. Thank you for always making sure I have enough diapers for Beck and for keeping him warm by sharing your favorite blanket. I love that I get to wake up to you kissing my face and smiling. Its my favorite watching you and Beck together. You love him so much and it amazes me.

When did you become such a big girl? A big girl who can use a fork to feed herself and climb onto chairs on her own . And you suddenly can talk? You're growing up so fast. I always find myself looking at you wondering who you are... There is no way my little baby is standing in front of me asking for milk and including "please". I guess you're no longer a little baby :( But, to me you'll always be my little baby girl. I can't believe you're only going to get bigger. You already seem big enough. I'm having so much fun with you Riley. Dressing up with you, coloring, having picnic lunches in the living room. I'm blessed to be able to stay at home with you everyday, watching you grow and being able to experience you reaching all your milestones. You're learning so much and so fast. Everyday is an adventure. Thank you for that!

I love you and you make me so proud.

Someday...

2010-04-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

...I won't be the only girl in his life.

I hate that and sometimes I cry a little when I think about it.

Like now.

Until then though, I'll steal all the kisses I can and I'll make sure to tell him

"I love you"

over and over.

Thanks for being my little boy.

Happy 2 Months!

2010-04-19T23:03:00.001-07:00

Time has flown and you my little man are already 2 months old.

Thank you for lighting up my life & being so adorable all the time.

I never get tired of the smiles and I can't get enough of your cooing.

I love your snoring and the way your face lights up when you hear your sisters voice.

Its cute watching you hold your head up and I adore the way you stretch when you wake up.

When you look up at me with those big eyes and smile, I melt.

You and Riley are such blessings.

I love being your mommy.

8 weeks!

2010-04-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

My little man is 8 weeks old today!

Celebrate!

Whenever he's awake he is smiling and cooing.

Especially when Riley talks to him.

He's always watching us so intently.

I love it.

I love watching him get excited.

He waves his arms all over and kicks.

Its adorable.

I can't imagine life without him.

All I want to do is snuggle with him.

On Monday he'll be turning 2 months.

Where did my newborn go?

Discipline & Toddlers

2010-04-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

Leif turned to me in the car yesterday and asked me: "How do we want to handle this?" and by this he meant Riley's tantrums. When she first turned 1, she was throwing them here and there but by 14 months she had stopped. Now they've started up again and a simple "Please stop that" no longer works. I didn't realize just how strong willed my daughter was and I didn't realize how soon we would have to discuss discipline. She can go from happy to upset in seconds and then back again. I'm pretty sure this is normal for children her age, haha. But throwing herself on the ground isn't the best way of expressing her frustration. The question is: How do we discipline her while teaching her a better way to handle these situations?

I'm a firm believer in being a parent first, and a friend second. My child doesn't run things, Leif and I do. I don't care how hard you cry, kick and roll, no means no in this house. But whats the right approach to helping my daughter learn this? What will work best for her? I called my mom this morning and she gave me some advice on how to approach dealing with tantrums and getting Riley to listen. First she suggested Dr. Dobsons The Strong-Willed Child and then she shared her own personal thoughts on parenting. My mom and I butt heads a lot but we share the same views on parenting for the most part.

A lot of the things she suggested Leif has already started to do. Something I've noticed is that Riley tends to listen to Leif more. She doesn't seem to take me as seriously as she does him. I think its because I'm not the best at following through. Especially since Becks been born I've been letting her get away with a lot more and not addressing certain things. I'm learning that follow through and consistency are really important when it comes to discipline. Those two things are important when it comes to a lot of things:)

So, what is your approach to disciplining your toddler? And what advice have you been given that you'd like to share or advice you yourself have come up with? I'm all ears!

I love Spring!

2010-04-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

Spring means lots of green
flowers,
soft breezes
and allergies:)

&here is a song no one gets tired of hearing.
Exactly how I feel today!

I love waking up to this:

2010-04-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

Every morning.

This is love

2010-04-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

Riley is so in love with her baby brother.
She was on top of the world when I sat Beck next to her.
When she got to hold Beck she couldn't stop smiling.
She kept kissing him and wiping his mouth with a burp cloth, haha.

Cutest thing ever.

In no order at all

2010-04-07T14:07:00.001-07:00

Some pictures from the last few weeks. They're mostly of Riley since I've been posting pictures of Beck.

::Also I'm starting to update my photoblog again so check it out::

6 weeks.

2010-04-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

I love when he smiles at me

&I think this face is adorable.

I could stare at him all day and still be amazed that he's mine.

Mr. Beck, you're growing up so fast!

Recipes: Pancakes & Biscuits

2010-03-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to post two simple recipes that we have been enjoying the past few weeks. I love breakfast and all breakfast foods so I'm constantly looking for new recipes to try out. I used to just make pancakes and biscuits from the Trader Joes Pancake Mix, and while we loved it, I thought I'd try my hand at making both from scratch.

I found this recipe for powder biscuits and I love it! They're so easy to make and nice and light.

2 cups of flour
2teasponns baking powder
4 tablespoons of butter
4 tablespoons of melted butter
1/2 teaspoon of salt
3/4 cups of milk

Set oven to 375. Powder a bread board/counter with flour.
Sift flour, then add baking powder & salt, and sift again. Cut butter into mix. Add milk gradually, until dough is formed.
Knead for 30 seconds. Powder a round cookie cutter and cut out biscuits.
Brush butter on bottoms and tops of biscuits before putting them in the oven.
Bake for about 20 minutes.
makes between 8-10 biscuits

Now here is a recipe for buttermilk pancakes. They're amazing. I will never ever use pancake mix or any other recipe again, haha.

1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1 egg
3 tablespoons of melted butter
4 -5 teaspoons of vanilla
1 cup of flour
3 tablespoons of sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

Combine dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Combine wet ingredients in smaller bowl. Then add the wet ingredients to the dry. Mix well:)
When heating up your skillet/pan, add olive oil.
Make your pancakes!

Enjoy!

Weekend Update.

2010-03-29T08:36:00.001-07:00

Its already Tuesday! I really can't get over how fast the days are going by.

It was a good weekend!

On Saturday I started the morning with a walk/run. I'm doing this running program from Womens Health. I'm on day #6 & I'm loving it. I've never been a runner so this is pretty exciting for me. The goal is to be able to run at least 30 minutes by the end of the program. I walk/run every other day, do strength training the others and get a day of rest. So far I'm already seeing a difference. Doing this program is also a good way for me to get out of the house and spend time alone. Saturday also consisted of me visiting the hospital to photograph a friends newborn baby, and was then followed by a trip to the park with the Mullens.

Sunday I did another photo session. This was the second time I did photos of Aiden. The first time was of his 1st Birthday Party. It was fun seeing how much he's changed since then. After the photo session Summer and I ventured to Salinas just to go to Cinnabon and Forever 21. It was worth the trip, plus I love spending time with Summer. Leif was nice enough to watch the kids and clean up a bit while I was away. I was a little sad when Monday rolled around but excited because that meant one day closer to going down to LA for Easter!

I'm behind on posting pictures so I think this means a picture post soon. Also, I have a few recipes that I've tried out and love. That means a recipe post is due!

Welcome Weekend!

2010-03-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

Happy its Friday!

Gratitude Thursday: My Babies!

2010-03-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Riley girl is 16 months today.

It blows my mind.

I'm so thankful my son and daughter.
Can I please boast about them for a minute or two?

My daughter. She amazes me. I think she's the sweetest most adorable toddler I know. She's always showering us with hugs and kisses. Especially Beck. I love how she is with her brother. Whenever I lay him on the ground for a diaper change, she grabs a diaper and a wipe for me. If I lay him in his bouncer she finds a blanket and covers him. And if I need to feed him, she helps me hold the bottle.

I think she's pretty smart too. She spends most of her days "reading" and putting puzzles together. The other day she sat down next to Beck and started "reading" to him while holding his hand. It was cute. Riley thinks she can talk more than she really can... We love it. It always makes us laugh when she turns to us and starts babbling with a serious face. Everyday she says a new word and it never ceases to catch me off guard. Even when she says words I know she is capable of saying, I just can't believe it. Lately she's been walking up to Beck, waving and saying "Hi baby". And she's almost succeeded at putting on her own jacket. We're working on it, haha.

Someones starting to smile!

My son. I adore him. I always wanted a boy and now I've been blessed with one. Although its only been a month since Beck moved in and what not, we've already learned a thing or two about him. Baby boy hates sleeping anywhere other than our chests, even the carseat sometimes. He loves cuddling, and while it makes cleaning hard, I'm enjoying it. I find myself kissing his little cheeks constantly and holding his tiny hands.

Leif and I had it really easy with Riley so we just knew that the second time around would be super difficult... So far its been almost easier than it was with Riley. Beck is not a fussy baby, and he enjoys sleeping at night almost as much we do. I love the way he watches Riley when shes talking to him and kissing him. I'm so excited to watch their relationship unfold as they both get older. Last night he cooed for the first time and Leif was like "Did you hear that?!" Of course I heard it. I love his little sounds and I can't wait for more:)

I love my children so much. Everyday I love them more and more. And everyday they remind me that God is amazing and so good to us! Children are blessings in so many ways.

My husband

2010-03-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

loves me so very much!

Not only did he buy me a new 50mm (goodbye 1.8, hello 1.4!) but he also bought me an L lens.
A beautiful L lens!
That zooms. No more kit lens!

I really don't need any birthday or Christmas presents this year.
Seriously!
I'm a very happy girl right now:)

Adjusting.

2010-03-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

I love love love this picture.

I'm adjusting to life with two children. Its definitely a challenge. I think I've given up on getting places early or even on time. It doesn't matter how many times I pack the diaper bag two hours before we're suppose to leave or pack up the car early, there's always a diaper that needs to be changed or milk that needs to be wiped up. I've also come to terms with the fact that my house isn't going to get cleaned as fast as it once did. Some days, Leif will simply come home to a messy house and maybe even an empty table:)

I'm working on finding a new routine. The new one wasn't working so well anymore. At first I had a hard time with that. I didn't want to let go of the perfect schedule I had worked out for Riley and I. Yet, I had to. There was no way around it. I've now embraced the change and I'm loving trying to find a new way of running the house and taking care of the kids. So far I've learned that preparation is the key right now. I tend to be forgetful so I have to do a lot of my preparing the night before. I have to set out clothes for the babise, cut up veggies and fruits for Riley's breakfast and lunch. I have to make sure I restock the diaper bag or else we'll be out and there will be no diapers or snacks for Riley. And for me.

There are times when I feel like everything is getting out of my control and I panic a little. A quick prayer usually calms my nerves, and suddenly the situation isn't as terrible as it seemed a minute ago. God's good like that.

Happy One Month!

2010-03-22T01:01:00.001-07:00

My baby boy is one month old.

He turned one month last Friday.
Normally I would have blogged but I had two of my best friends staying with me
and so who has time to blog when theres catching up to do?

I have fallen behind on blogging so I'm hoping to catch up this week!

Happy Saint Patricks Day.

2010-03-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today I found out I was pregnant with Riley:)

So thankful!

I need a babysitter!

2010-03-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

The hard thing about living somewhere with no family means no babysitter when you just want to go out with your husband. No afternoon trips to the movies, or grocery shopping without the kids. And a weekend trip without kids? Ha!

Its hard on a marriage when you don't get to go out alone or just time alone period. Its hard being in mommy & daddy mode constantly. Leif and I have been learning this these past few months, especially these past three weeks. I love my babies, but I love my husband also. I miss him. I miss us. When I called my mom the other day she told me: "I've been praying for you. Is everything okay?" I told her "No, its not!" My parents have been teaching a class on marriage for years so I'm always more than happy to hear what their thoughts are on things (except sex). Apparently its normal what Leif and I are going through. My mom basically said we have to make an effort to go on dates, and sit down and talk. Before we could just decide right on the spot that we were going out... I knew this but its gotten even harder now that we're in Monterey and plus we don't really have anyone to watch Riley and Beck.

I wish a babysitter would just show up on my doorstep. (Or my mom::hint::) That would be great! Where do people even find babysitters? Church? In their neighborhoods? Through friends? Pray I find one soon because I think we might go a little crazy over here.

All of you mothers that live close to family I am jealous. Never take that for granted!

We actually got to go out to dinner this past week with friends
while my mother in law and Jan were down here visiting:)

Right now...

2010-03-13T18:39:00.000-08:00

...I'm holding my sleeping son in my arms. Riley and Leif aren't here. Its just me and Beck. The two of us.

I love it. We're bonding.

All keep thinking is "how wonderful and perfect is he?! I can't believe he's going to call me: mommy" I love him more and more each day. Its impossible for me to look at him and not thank God for His goodness. I want to remember this moment, him in his striped hat, snoring softly and I, wrapped in a blanket, kissing his soft cheeks over and over.

I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow

Gratitude Thursday

2010-03-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for these babies.
They remind me that God is good and gracious.

Yesterday started out well but by late morning/early afternoon things were out of control. My control. It stressed me out! I actually sat in a parking lot and cried for a minute or two. I called Leif after and told him about how my morning/afternoon had gone, after telling him though I realized it really wasn't that bad. I drove home thanking God that He was in control and not me:)

When I came home both of the kids were sleeping. At one point Riley wanted out of her crib and ended up sleeping in the living room next to Beck( I posted a picture yesterday). I sat on the couch and watched them sleep. They looked so peaceful. It was so precious and I wanted to remember that moment forever. It was a reminder of how good God is to Leif and I. No matter how bad my day has gone, He is still faithful and He is still in control.

My babies.

2010-03-10T21:08:00.001-08:00

At the doctors.

Naptime.

At the Aquarium

A smile for mommy.

This will make you smile.

2010-03-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

How can you not adore Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward is just so cool without even trying.

Becks First Bath

2010-03-08T17:20:00.000-08:00

Loving bathtime.

Grandma Jacobsen gave Beck his first real bath today. Last week Leif gave Beck a quick sponge bath but we didn't really count that as his first bath:) He loved it. He wasn't very happy when bathtime came to an end. Once he got wrapped up though he was content again.

Upset that bathtime is over.

All clean
Notice the curls starting to form? So excited!

After his bath.

I was happy I was able to get pictures of his first bath. I love these moments... The "firsts". That's the best thing about having a new baby again. Being able to watch and participate with my child as he experiences different and new things. It was so much fun with Riley, and in a way, its even more fun with Beck. I know what to expect, and when to expect certain milestones and events. I'm loving it.

It almost makes me want to have another baby... Almost;)

Please Don't Go.

2010-03-08T00:59:00.000-08:00

This is a picture that was taken tonight. These two girls are my best friends here in Monterey and the military is taking them away from me. Ashley, the one on my right is moving to Georgia this coming Friday. Summer, the one on my left will be moving to Hawaii come August. I'm having a really hard time with this. I try to avoid the subject but its not really something that can be avoided.

Its hard for me to grasp the fact that someone I cherish and love so much is going to be gone within a week. Its very unfair if you ask me. But life has never been fair. This makes me upset. Its hard for me to write this without crying because when we first moved here I really struggled with loneliness. Then I met Ashley and we bonded right away. It was such a blessing that she too had a daughter Riley's age and was a young mother like me. We spent many days at the park and at each others houses. We watched our daughters go from crawling babies to walking toddlers together. We did photo shoots together and spent most of the money we made on food:) We would go to the gym and then go to Jack in the Box for curly fries, ha! Her friendship has been something I haven't taken for granted.

Remembering the things we did together and knowing that its all coming to an end is depressing. I hate it. I have a hard time saying goodbye. I hate when change involves people leaving and not being close anymore. I know its not the end of our friendship, I just wish she was going to keep living in the house down the street. I wish that Riley and I could continue to walk down there to go play with Kyleigh. I wish that we could still have good conversations in the car.

Friday is still a few days away and I'm going to enjoy the last few days we have together. I'm thankful that I met Ashley and I'm thankful for all the fun times we shared. She's a person I definitely thank God for. My life wouldn't be the same without her. I may be having a hard time with her leaving, but I'm more than happy I met her and her friendship means the world to me. I'm excited for what awaits her in Georgia!

[Thankfully I won't have to write a post like this for Summer for a little while!]

My children.

2010-03-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Trying to pick Beck up.

I love being able to say
"My children"
or
"the kids"
I can't believe I'm that mom that has more than one baby.
I'm loving it.

Two Weeks Old

2010-03-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

My baby boy is 2 weeks old.

Already.
Time is flying by.

So blessed!

Happy 2 weeks to my favorite little man.

Week 2!

2010-03-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

We're halfway done with our second week at home with both kids. Its been fun. I'm really enjoying having two children. I also never get tired of Riley giving her brother kisses and bringing him blankets. Nights are going even better than they were last week. Riley is back to sleeping through the night in her own bed, and Beck gets up at 12am and 4am to eat. I'm hoping these good nights continue for a long time:)

This week my wonderful friends have been bringing us dinner every night. That's such a blessing. Even though I've been itching to get back in the kitchen and try out some recipes I found last week. I have been able to cook breakfast and bake a little at least! Leif has been at home this week as well. He's suppose to be "helping out" but I think its turned more into a vacation for him than anything, haha. He's getting breakfast made for him every morning and dinner delivered. And naps during the day? What a lucky man:) Riley is loving having him at home though so I don't mind him messing up my routines too much.

On a happy-happy note: I fit into my old jeans and I don't feel as if I had surgery a week and a half ago. Oh and my husband bought me a steam-mop! I just tried it out and I love it. Throwing out the old mop and bucket tomorrow.

Bonding.

2010-02-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

When Riley was born, I knew I loved her but I didn't bond with her. I didn't feel connected to her in any way. I almost felt as if she wasn't mine. I think Leif bonded with her before I ever did. I would stare at her and wonder if this was really the baby that was in my belly for 9 months. Who was she? It wasn't until she was 3 or 4 months that I started to feel as if we were starting to bond. My love for her had continued to grow from the minute she was born, but I didn't feel as if we had a relationship until she was a bit older. It wasn't until she started really responding to me and interacting with me. When she would smile when she saw me. That's when we started to bond.

I thought the reason why we didn't bond was because I didn't breastfeed. Many times people tell me about what a great experience breastfeeding is, how they bonded with their child over it. Like I mentioned in a previous post I hoped that I would be able to breastfeed Beck. And I have been breastfeeding him. But, just like I felt with Riley, I feel the same way with Beck. I love him with all my heart but I don't feel like we've bonded at all. He's so foreign to me. Again, I feel as if Leif has bonded with him before me. I was worried about this happening. I feel as if I should have some control over this. Why does this little baby seem like such a stranger to me?

Last night I was reading What to Expect: The First Year. I kind of read it with Riley but mostly skimmed over it, just making sure she was reaching her milestones on time. I happened to be reading through the newborn chapter and it had a section on bonding. It turns out that its common for moms not to bond with their babies right away. I was relieved to read this because I want so badly to be close to my son. I know it'll happen in time, I just need to be patient and get to know him better, which I'm excited to do:)

We'll get there.

Happy 1st Week of life!

2010-02-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

Beck is a week old today!

Originally today was when he was going to arrive,
but he had other plans and came a week early:)
I think he was excited to meet his big sister!
Plus surprises are always nice and I did wish that I could go into labor on my own.

So far we've had a good first week. Haven't lost as much sleep as we had planned, and 4am seems to be our new family time. Riley likes to get up when we're feeding and changing Beck. She sits there, kissing him and holding his hand. I look forward to our early morning times together. &I'm learning that my children are individuals. I keep wanting to compare Beck to Riley but am finding that there is no comparing them. They are both very different and I am loving that! After our first night at home, I observed the obvious differences in my children, and I was amazed! I remember praying and thanking God for this, for making my children the way they are. I thanked Him for His work and design in them. Only He could make two people come from the same parents and be their own person in every way. I love that no two people are the same, even if they seem so alike.

God is amazing like that.

Beck, I hope that this first week was good.
I promise the following ones will be even better.

Happy 15 Months!

2010-02-25T15:58:00.001-08:00

Riley is 15 months today!

This time last year she was just turning 3 months old.

Ever since bringing Beck home, Riley seems even bigger than she was last week. I keep wondering where my little baby went. When did I get a toddler? I ask myself this often. I'm still excited by her walking, and being able to feed herself. I love that she can let me know what she wants through some words and odd sounds/noises.

I know I've said this before but I'm still always surprised by the things that Riley will do. Just last night she saw something on the floor that she thought was trash so she took it to the trash can. It wasn't trash, just a white ice pack that I use after breastfeeding:) She was so proud of herself though. She mimics everything Leif and I do. It makes for a lot of entertaining moments around here. I love having her in the bathroom with me when I wash my face and put on lotion because she'll do the exact same thing and then look up at me and smile like "I'm just like you!" Oh, those moments are my favorite and I can't get enough of them.

I'm really proud of the way she has responded to Beck. She's always trying to give him her stuffed animals, hug him, kiss him, attempt to hold him. I think Riley's doing a wonderful job at being a big sister... I love watching her interact with him and love on him. While at the doctors yesterday, Riley watched over Beck with such seriousness while the doctor checked him. Beck screamed most of the time since he had to be naked and Riley kept glaring at the doctor, upset that he was making her baby cry.

I can't believe that I was blessed with such a wonderful daughter. I love that I get to be her mom and share so many amazing moments with her. Just a little while ago, she gave me a kiss just because. So blessed!

Trying to make her little brother feel better.

Lessons of the day.

2010-02-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

Last night was a good night. We didn't have an intruder in our bed, and Beck actually woke up to eat. I was looking forward to today. I made Leif breakfast and brought it to him in bed, got Riley dressed, fed Beck, assuming I'd have time to shower and eat before the kids doctors appointment today. But then Beck wanted to keep eating, and so there went my shower. When I thought maybe he was finished, he still wanted to eat! So there went my breakfast:(
It put me in a bad mood. I was so grumpy and told Leif it was basically all his fault. If he had just helped me... He said "I thought that's what your mom was here for". And I'm so glad she is here! Do not get me wrong, but I still need my husbands help. He always tells me I need to just ask but I want him to just offer. He does offer a lot, which I'm thankful for. I need to thank him for that more often. And I do need to ask for help. Not just ask Leif but people who offer to help.
I fought with my mom today too which didn't help the day:( I am struggling with having her here all day everyday. Its hard to have someone in your home who does something so differently then you do. We are both very particular people, which makes for lots of arguments and disagreements. Today we argued a lot over what I can and can't do. I don't like when people put limits on me. Especially my mother. She kept reminding me that I couldn't pick Riley up, I couldn't clean, I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I did realize though that I need to simply accept my moms help, be grateful she is here and willing to help me. Even if it means she'll do things a lot differently than me.

Today I learned a few lessons. Accept help when its offered and ask when its needed.

Highlights of today: Beck has gained a few ounces since coming home & Riley didn't cry getting her shot.

The day so far.

2010-02-23T11:56:00.000-08:00

Today is Day #1 of being home with both kids. Luckily, my first week alone with the kids I'm not really alone. My mom is here helping out. Not that I'm letting her help out... I'm so particular about how to clean the house, do laundry, fix food, so forth. My poor mom is being so patient with me. She keeps trying to force me to sit down and rest but I keep finding things to do. If my mom offers to help out I tell her I can do it myself. According to her I've been telling her that since I could talk.

Just because I have a newborn now doesn't mean we can't be ready by 8 anymore.

This is Beck's nighttime food. Its ridiculous how much milk I pump.

Todays Breakfast: Quiche. Thanks to my mom and the Paris Bakery.

So far the day has gone nicely. Beck spends most of his time sleeping, and Riley spends most of her time playing. I've been able to play with Riley while Beck sleeps in my room, and then spend time with Beck during feedings and Riley's naptime. I'm assuming that the easiest time with two kids under 2 has to be when one of them is a newborn. For some reason I remember never getting anything done with Riley when I first brought her home. Now with a newborn, and a toddler I'm finding myself able to get a lot of things done. Maybe not as fast as when it was just Riley but I'm still accomplishing things. I'm pretty sure that when Riley first came home I sat with her on my chest for hours and neglected housework. Telling Leif that I didn't have time to make him dinner because having a new baby was so hard and tiring.

Riley shared her toys with Beck.

Kisses for her little brother.

Showing me that she can get on and off her elephant.

Playing "Where is Riley?"

The one thing that seems to take up a bit of time are the feedings. I feed Beck for about a half hour to an hour then I have to add pumping on top of that. Because Riley was always given a bottle I'm used to feedings being 15 minutes-30 minutes long. I'm learning to adjust to it and so far its been working out fine. Even with Riley running around. Although its just day one, I think I'm capable of being at home with two children. I doubt it will be easy, in fact it will be very trying but I think I'm up for the challenge!

Upset that I woke him to eat.

First Night at Home.

2010-02-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

Leaving the hospital

First, let me say that I feel so rested and full of energy. I feel completely refreshed, like a new woman. Getting 6 hours of sleep as opposed to only 1 hour does wonders for a person. Now about last night...
It was like any other night for the most part. Except instead of just kissing mommy and daddy "goodnight", Riley also kissed Beck and grandma. And then Riley woke up at around 1 and decided that she was done sleeping in her crib. So the battle began. She fell asleep in our bed then we moved her, but then Beck woke up and we took awhile getting his bottle, so in turn he woke Riley up. Of course by the time we got the bottle Beck was over it and Riley was in our bed. Again.

We got the idea that maybe if we put Beck in his crib Riley would want to go in hers. But she didn't. She simply waved "bye" to Beck when we put him in his crib and expected us to take her with us to bed. Finally, we decided to leave her in her crib. Sure, she cried and screamed but eventually fell asleep. Thank goodness.

I really expected Beck to give us a hard time at night, not my toddler:) It really wasn't that bad though because I did get some hours of uninterrupted sleep. And Beck did a wonderful job. He mostly slept through the night. Woke up twice and probably would have gone back to sleep if we didn't make him eat. At 5 this morning, Riley was up and watched as Leif changed and fed Beck. She was amazed and kept smiling at her little brother. I was sitting on the floor pumping... It was one of those moments I wanted to last for a long time. Even if it was early in the morning.

The babies this morning.

Big Sister, meet Little Brother

2010-02-22T14:40:00.001-08:00

Riley, this is Beck. Your brother.

I'm looking forward to the three of us having adventures together.

This is going to be your best friend and favorite playmate.

You are going to have so much fun together.

Riley loves Beck. So far. She keeps trying to share her paci, her snacks and her dolls with him. Whenever she sees him, she waves and says hi. Then looks at us and points at him. When she hears him cry she looks around worried. Just a minute ago she tried to help daddy feed him.

My favorite was when she gave him a kiss
&
wanted to be swaddled like him.

Late night update:

2010-02-22T03:08:00.000-08:00

We're still in the hospital. I was a little bummed at first that we were staying an extra night but its ended up being beneficial. We wanted to be sure about Beck, that he was eating enough and that his blood sugar was staying stable. I'm very ready to be in my own bed, to actually sleep longer than a half hour a day. I forgot how hard it was to sleep in a hospital with people constantly coming in and out. Plus I have to make sure I'm feeding Beck when I'm suppose to and taking my pain medication.

Currently I'm waiting for Beck to wake up. He's a good sleeper, sometimes too good. Its hard to wake him. No matter what we try/do, if he doesn't want to wake up, he simply won't. Leif got to feed him tonight, which I enjoyed as much as I know he did. We're going to try to do at least one bottle feeding at night so I can get a break. This time around I'm keeping a journal of basically everything Beck does. Its helping me remember when I need to feed him, pump, check his diapers, let him sleep, so forth. I always thought people that did this were a bit silly and maybe a little paranoid? But now that I've been doing it, I'm learning its not silly, not one bit. Its been really helpful to me and Leif. I'm sure its helpful to Beck:) I mean, seriously, if I didn't check his feeding times he would probably go without food. He's already skipped meals because of sleeping!

Well it looks like my son might not wake up when planned, so I'm going to try to fit in some more sleep. Excited that tomorrow I'm going to go home and be able to be with both of my children!

A photo.

2010-02-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

Just because he's adorable
&
looks like daddy.

Beck Update:)

2010-02-21T07:03:00.000-08:00

Holding Beck for the first time.

So... night number two went pretty well. Leif stayed the night so that was a little helpful. Not as helpful as I would have liked though:) He kept falling into a deep sleep and it took so much effort to wake him up... I'm pretty sure it would have been a lot easier to just call the nurses to watch Beck when I needed to use the bathroom or put him back in his bassinet. Right now Beck is on his daddys chest sleeping away. I love it.

Someone warned me that the second night is usually the hardest when it comes to breastfeeding. Thankfully on the breastfeeding front, things went smoothly. Beck continues to latch on without trouble and my milk is starting to come in. The difficult thing about last night though was staying on schedule with feedings. Beck had low blood sugar when he was first born and has been on an IV for most of our stay here. I have to make sure he's getting fed every 2-3 hours to help make sure his blood sugar stays up and stable. Every feeding is usually an hour or more so sleeping was a bit of a challenge. I'm looking forward to being able to pump a bit so Beck can at least have one bottle at night and mommy can get some sleep! Late in the afternoon they finally took Beck off the IV, but kept it in just in case. We're currently waiting for his count to go up so they can take the IV out completely and we can (hopefully!) head home today! (Happy happy news! Melissa, the wonderful nurse who has been taking care of Beck and pushing to get his IV taken out, just came in to remove it!)

I've been recovering pretty well. They let me out of bed early to shower and finally walk around yesterday and it was heavenly:) I think you're suppose to spend at least 24 hours in bed but the nurse said we didn't need to wait that whole time. As soon as I got the "ok" I was up and about as much as possible. We also had a lot of visitors through out the day which helped being stuck in the hospital bearable. It was great sitting around and having my close friends here to keep me company and to love on Beck. Funny how no one knows this little guy too well but we all adore him and can't get enough of him. I felt so loved yesterday, and I'm pretty sure Leif did as well. Everyone has been more than willing to help out when needed, and even willing to come back today to keep me company again, haha.

The best part about yesterday though was being able to see Riley. Leif wheeled me to the outside of the hospital, where other parents were saying hello to their children, and I got to give and receive kisses from my little girl. How I wish she could be here with us now, getting to know her little brother, but I know she's enjoying time with grandma. &Soon enough the four of us will all be together. That thought blows my mind: There is now four of us. God is amazing.

Also, the more I look at Beck that more I realize he looks almost identical to newborn Riley.
I'm pretty sure the only difference is Riley had black hair when she was born and Beck has light brown hair with blond tips. Even the way he cries is a quieter version of Riley's cry:)

Our first night together.

2010-02-20T06:20:00.000-08:00

I was a little nervous about my first night with Beck. Partly because it meant I'd be trying out breastfeeding, and partly because I'd be by myself. Since Beck was a c-section baby, I was allowed to leave him in the nursery in between feedings. Leif didn't stay over night with me and since I have to wait until this morning to be able to start walking around they don't want the baby staying in the room... I don't mind because that meant sleep for me! It turns out though, Beck has a very good temperament, and even if he had been in the room with me I would have slept fine.

The crying I witnessed earlier when he was first born was what I thought I would be hearing all night. I also assumed he would be impatient like his older sister when it came time to eat. I was wrong. I probably heard Beck cry twice last night. Once because he was cold and the second time because I stopped him from feeding to switch to the other side. Even the nurses commented on how he only cried when they changed his diaper and calmed down right away. I like the sound of this... Maybe this means having him share a room with Riley will work out a lot better than planned? We'll find out soon enough:)

About the breastfeeding. I prayed and prayed through out my pregnancy that Beck would latch on right away and we would both enjoy this time together. I don't have a negative view of breastfeeding but I don't have the most positive. I was confident that this time around breastfeeding was going to work out. And, it is! Beck latched on almost right away and has been feeding really well. Something I once dreaded I look forward to now. I couldn't sleep half the night because I was so excited to feed him again, to have him lay on my chest and just look up at me. I understand now why women love breastfeeding their babies. I feel blessed that I get to experience this.

I missed Leif tonight but at the same time, I liked being by myself with Beck. I liked that our first night together was just the two of us. This last night was definitely a night I'm going to cherish. One hour until I get to feed and snuggle with my baby boy again!

My son.

2010-02-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

I am head over heels in love with my little boy.

Although people tell you that you're able to love your second child as much as the first, its hard to imagine. I do know now that I love Beck as much as I love Riley. I adore him. I wish that I could have had Riley here with me when he was born. I want her to meet the little boy that's going to be her favorite playmate and best friend.

All day and night I've been waiting for him to open his eyes and spend some time with me. He has other plans though:) He's been asleep since his arrival. I don't mind too much. I loved when he was just laying on my chest breathing softly and moving every once awhile. I had forgotten juts how beautiful and wonderful these first moments were. I'm so blessed to be able to experience again!

When I saw him for the first time I was so proud. &I loved him even more than I already did. I couldn't believe that I was this beautiful boys mommy. He was mine! I think part of me expected him to look just like Riley but I knew he'd look like Beck. And he does. According to everyone this means he looks like Leif. Which makes me laugh because according to most people Riley looked like Leif as well. Either way both my children are perfect and created in God's image. Amazing.

Right now Beck is in the nurseryand its just me and Leif in the room. I'm missing Beck and I'm missing Riley so much. I'm looking forward to when I get to go home and be with both my children. I can't even begin to fathom how wonderful that'll be. God is such a great God... Its hard for me to look at my children and not thank Him for His goodness.

A few more pictures of Beck...

2010-02-19T14:52:00.001-08:00

Beck Anders...6lbs10oz...21"...

2010-02-19T14:29:00.000-08:00

Beck Anders Jacobsen...he's here now...a little earlier then scheduled, but that's fine by us. Here's a few pics, and there should be more to follow...

Baby Beck is coming today!

2010-02-19T12:16:00.000-08:00

It looks like we'll be meeting Beck one week early:)
I'm having my c-section today at 1:30pm.
Please pray everything goes well!

Hopefully I'll have photos up by this evening!

Photo Post

2010-02-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

Because she's adorable

I love my baby girl. She keeps me smiling and laughing constantly.
&lately she's been doing this thing where she'll grab daddys hand and then reach for mine.
I love it.