I've started and restarted this blog post so many times. I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this. I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.
Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings. This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression. I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day. I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds. I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive. He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort. I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged. I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression. I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating. I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily. That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.
The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't. That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay. I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.
I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me. I don't feel like myself. But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)
Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing. Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked. All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)
A new season is beginning. I feel it. Do you ever just feel that way? That change is coming? That everything you've known for the last few months will no longer be? I suddenly feel as if the trials I experienced have prepared me for whats next. Today I felt God put on my heart: "You are prepared. You weren't ready before but now you are". I feel at peace in a way I hadn't before and I feel as if the last few months, the hardships, the pain, the tears, the work, it was worth it just to hear that I'm ready.
I wish I knew what I was ready for :) But I'm definitely celebrating this new season that will be coming. A new leaf has been turned over it seems. How fitting that spring is coming... Winter is ending, things are becoming new again. New meaning has been given to my life and breathing fresh air never felt so wonderful. God is always so faithful and His timing so perfect. I know this, yet I fight and I question. I am so grateful for His patience :)!
I wish I could describe this breakthrough in my life. I can say though, as soon as I gave up trying to make things go my way, the minute I allowed God to take control things began to change. When I mean change I don't mean this physical change, but more of an emotional & spiritual change that has in turn over flowed into my marriage, my parenting, my home, my relationships, my health, my business... Its the whole working on your heart, and how you are on the inside so that it then shows on the outside. BASICALLY: I can't do any of this on my own. I need to lean on God always. He's my strength.
We like to take photos, listen to lots and lots of music, watch movies and go antique shopping. We recycle and so should you. Leif collects shoes and records, and Margaret collects the fortunes that come in fortune cookies. Riley doesn't bother with collecting, she's too busy being an explorer. Beck is the lover of the family unless you take away his favorite toy or don't feed him hotdogs fast enough. We dance in our car and sing duets. We enjoy reading about design and fashion. We plan on starting a band when we're older, and becoming artists.