Thursday, January 13, 2011


      The other day Riley came up to me and said "Mommy brown" pointing to my skin.  I asked her what color she was and she said "Riley tan. I asked her what color daddy was, she said "Daddy pink" :) I've written before how we don't talk about color in our home, at least not yet. There's no need because at home we're simply a family. It's so different when we leave our home though...

  I roll my eyes when parents say they're teaching their kids to be "color-blind" and they accept everyone. To me thats simply ignoring the fact that there are other types of people out there besides your own. Being color-blind in theory sounds good, but what good does it do a child if they never learn about other cultures or learn that there are other ethnicities besides their own. Other cultures should be respected, the person as a whole should be accepted. Colors and all.

  Today I experienced a bit of racism. I'm still in shock and a little frustrated. Not frustrated because of the situation but my friends responses. I made the "mistake" of posting this in my status: 

"This man just parked next to me, looked over at me then backed up and parked in another spot. One of the reasons I hate Chilis"

  People responded of course, some just being surprised a person would do that, others defending Chilis, and then in a way defending the man. They knew what I was getting at but its hard for people, especially here in California to grasp that there are still people that are going to dislike others because of their color. Even if they have a black person telling them about different experiences they laugh it off nervously, making excuses or even sometimes calling you "too sensitive". Thankfully no one did this but people offered suggestions like "Oh its because you're a woman driver" (which in itself would have also made me upset... ;) Or maybe I did something to offend him, all joking of course. Yes, I did offend him, by being black. I got fed up because people either weren't taking it seriously or they were making terrible excuses. I don't blow up on facebook because its a waste of time, but when people I consider friends make jokes or defend someone who was doing something to spite me, I think I need to say something. 

   I can't describe the feeling when someone looks at you with such disgust and you begin to feel as if you don't belong there (And as Leif said, I didn't. We hate Chilis, haha.). I think what made me really upset was the fact that my children were with me. They don't understand now but one day they'll ask me. I don't want to hear someone tell me about how far we've come, believe me I'm aware. But are you aware of how far we need to go? Its sad but whats sadder is the fact that people deny that there are others out there that are still racist. Even here in California. I just got off the phone with my mom and she had to give me some tough love. I cried. Because there will be more experiences like this, and not just for me but my kids. That kills me.  

I try not to talk about race because it makes people nervous. It used to make me nervous and I avoided it and stuck to me "only white friends". I'm a bit embarrassed about that time in my life, I was basically in denial. I know that a lot of my friends are too, despite the fact that here I am, living proof of certain things. I don't want to change anyone, but I would like people to be aware. The older I get the more I notice things and the more passionate I become. My children should not have to grow up surrounded by ignorant people, who will dislike them simply because they're brown. Its part of life though and the best I can do is prepare my kids. God made us this way and I never want my children to be ashamed, but to celebrate who they are. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Gratitude Thursday

   I'm bringing Gratitude Thursdays back! 
I have been grumpy grumpy lately and I remembered that whenever I would 
think of things I was grateful for it'd instantly turn my mood around:) 

Today, I am grateful for the sun that was out for a little this morning. The sun is one
of my biggest motivators!
I'm grateful for the kids napping at the same time so I could spend sometime with Charlie and have some hot chocolate! 
I'm grateful for our new tv because now we can watch movies without subtitles! 
I am grateful for the downtime I've had so I can get back into baking and cooking.
I'm grateful for my creative and wonderful friends that keep inspiring me and encouraging me.
I am grateful for the opportunities I'm getting because of photography. 
I am grateful for warm blankets and seasons of Law & Order on netflix:)!
I am grateful the things that are going to come this year. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

About to Celebrate

   It hit me the other day that my son is going to be turning 1 next month.  I have no idea where this year went. It went by fast. Faster than with Riley. I keep crying because my little baby is not really a baby anymore. He looks like such a little boy. He still cuddles with me and lets me rock him to sleep though. He lets me hold him and is content just sitting on my lap. So different than Riley, haha. Yesterday he used the chair to walk around the dining room. I was like "What?!". With Beck I didn't track how many weeks he was, where his development was suppose to be.  With Beck I went with the flow. It worked with him. He doesn't need a schedule like his sister did. He takes his time so I still let him drink out of his bottles. He still sleeps with us.  Its different this time around.

  When Beck was born I assumed I would do everything the way I did with Riley. Even though I was well aware that he'd be his own person. I didn't realize that I'd have to change my ways and parent him almost in a different way than Riley. I love that my kids have their own personalities. I've loved watching Beck grow and seeing his personality become more apparent. He's just a sweet little boy. He loves to give kisses and has recently started hugging me. He is always smiling and so excited. My favorite is when he's been playing then sees me. He'll crawl as fast as he can and lift his arms for me to hold him. And with a huge smile. It melts my heart and makes me so grateful that I'm his mommy.

  Beck's upcoming birthday is bittersweet for me. I love that hes growing up but he is my baby. And we're not sure we'll be having any more kids so its hard for me to think about how as we're about to enter toddlerhood the baby stage might be gone forever. I'm thankful though that I've even had the opportunity to have and raise children. I say that a lot, but I mean it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I feel it all.

   Now that I'm older I'm learning that its okay that I'm a sensitive person. I used to think it wasn't. I was told to be tougher, to stop crying, to stop hurting. I was told that there was no place for someone like me in the "real" world.  But I know its okay. I cry easily because I hurt easily. I hurt when people are mean to me, but I also hurt when others hurt. I wish I could describe what its like. Its hard for me to watch tv because I get so emotionally involved even though its not real. I will befriend anyone and love them until the end. I will take on their pain and hurt with them. I feel it all. I do.

  I know how to guard myself now and I have to talk myself through situations sometimes. I have to remind myself that I can't take everything personal. If people flake on me, its okay, theres a good excuse (usually). If someone makes fun of me, they are kidding. Its easier now. But I still feel it all. I feel what I watch. What I hear. I feel songs. I feel stories. I don't know if that makes sense. I cry a lot and pray a lot. I have a hard time carrying these things but God is capable of carrying it with me.

  I think my heart breaks a few times a week. Over so many things. I love with everything that I am. My friends and family mean everything to me. I will bend over backwards for them. I hate that I live so far away from the people that I'm closest to.  I know that I have this heart for a reason. And I'm pretty sure I know what the reason is.  Because of this I know that there's a God. A few years back, when I was studying to be a missionary, I asked God to break my heart the way His breaks.

He answered my prayers.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy belated Christmas.

I meant to share these around Christmas.
We took these pictures when we were decorating our first tree:) 

Also, these photos are the closest we've gotten to family pictures.
Hopefully we'll get some taken soon!

our Christmas corner:

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Hello 2011.

One of the best moments from 2010. 
When Riley met Beck.

When Riley met Beck from Margaret Jacobsen on Vimeo.
&the kids now! Best friends:) 
Looking forward to this new year with them. 

Kids playing together from Margaret Jacobsen on Vimeo.