Friday, March 25, 2011

Living with depression.

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times.  I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this.  I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings.  This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression.  I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day.  I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds.  I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive.  He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort.  I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged.  I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression.  I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating.  I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily.  That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't.  That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay.  I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

 I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me.  I don't feel like myself.  But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing.  Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked.  All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)


b. said...

May God bless you and keep you. And thank you for your honesty. I'm somewhat worried about this happening to me if/when it's my turn to have children. Having women like you who are strong enough to be honest is a help to me, as I am prone to mood issues.

I have one question that you may have already considered. Have you had your hormones and thyroid evaluated? Our bodies and minds are complex, and although there isn't always a physical reason it doesn't hurt to rule it out.

East Coast-er Momma said...

Hey Marge :) It's me, Misha. (I sound like the title of a book) You, my dear, have been in my early morning prayers for strength and love and happiness. They don't all come when we need it, but they're there. I think you're a fabulous woman who has such a good heart. And when you get a chance to speak with your therapist, which I hope is soon, may it be one of the best sessions ever. We all need a little release. *sigh* Call me?

Lauren said...

I applaud your openness about depression. I've dealt with it for years and finally found a therapist who saved me. This was after years of anti depressants, psychiatrists, weird therapists I didn't get along with. It hurt my job, my marriage and my friendships. The isolation and lack of desire to do anything really controls you and can take over your life, while you feel completely helpless. the most frustrating thing is that you have the tools to fix it, you know what to do, but the depression won't let you. What helped me most was finding the right therapist, and seeing her on a weekly basis for a year and a half. She helped me to realize its a disease, it's chemical and it's not me. Keep your head up and feel free to talk if you'd like support!

Amber said...

I am so thankful for your honesty in your posts :) I love reading them and can relate in some ways.

when you wrote:

"I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about."

I feel this exact same way sometimes..but I find that this thought only makes things worse. You are not selfish. Not acknowledging depression or not trying to overcome it is more selfish. How can you be selfish when you know that you have a lot to be thankful for? Depression is just one of those strange things in life that doesn't seem to make sense...but that is why it sucks and we try so hard to overcome it. I have found feeling guilty to be kind of a counter-productive feeling....did I just make any sense? lol

Praying for you :) Keep those food pics coming!

Rania said...

Praying you can continue to stay strong and push on. Hope you are able to speak with your therapist and she is able to provide words that will help you for a lifetime.

Hugs to you from afar.

toi said...

Well done for opening up to. By writing about it makes it a big step forwad.

Love the picture you took of the little ones. Keep your creative flow moving.

A big hug.

Sarah said...

Thankyou for being so honest. One of the hardest things to grasp is that it isn't your fault. I hate how it affects the people we love. Depression isn't something you can wish away. I know I struggle with the idea that maybe if I tried a bit harder then I wouldn't be in this place. But I don't think it's a matter of trying harder but more being compassionate to yourself. Remember it will pass. In the mean time try to be gentle with yourself. God Bless.

Mama E said...

I have battled depression since my early twenties. It runs heavily on my mother's side. Sometimes I hate it and it's vicious cycle. You know when I was thankful for it? Right after I gave birth to Clint I had a couple bouts of baby blues and the tools I had from therapy enabled me to get myself out of it.

I was told to think of depression like this:

Imagine you are in a big house that has a lot of doors. The house has a lot of windows and is very bright with sunshine. There is one door that leads to a room with no windows. Depression is traveling towards that room and sometimes going inside. You're okay to be inside, but if that door starts to shut, you need to ask for help.

That visualization really helped me. So has thought-stopping. Ask your therapist about thought-stopping if you haven't already explored it.

I hope that helped some. Thanks for such a candid post! Much love!

LaSandra said...

Thanks for sharing this. I pray you will win in this battle. I know one thing that helps me when I am having a hard time with feeling low and depressed, is just remembering that God really does love me and there is absolutely NOTHING that he cannot work out.

Sharon said...

Your post really touched me. You've always seemed so upbeat. I've admired the fact that you've done so much at such a young age. I will say loads of prayers for you. From what I know and what I've experienced you are beginning to fight back. Sharing your story with others is half the battle. We will listen to you and support you in any way that we can.

Megan Marie said...

i hear you. i suffer from anxiety attacks and bouts of depression and i cope in very similar ways that you do (photography, seeking sun, trying to be motivated to clean and cook). husbands are funny, they love us so much and try to understand, but it's taken matt a couple years since i was diagnosed to really get what i'm trying to express to him when i feel so emotionally ill. thanks for sharing because it reminded me to get off my bum and go do something on this melancholy morning.

Mrs. K said...

I am also sending hugs and prayers your way. It's great that even though you are not feeling your best you are still blessing others by being so honest. Your post may help someone else not feel so alone. I am definitely cheering for you too lady. BIG SMILE :)

Natural Homeschool Mama said...

1.) You are courageous to share a struggle that SO many other women who read this are being helped by. Thank you!

2.) I can't wait to hear more about your raw eating updatges.

3.) I hope that I can meet you soon. As I am a Monterey newbie, I desperately crave new friendships (as do my kids!)

Keep up the blog encourage me. :0