Friday, December 3, 2010
We're experiencing a lot of change around here. Beck is slowly leaving the baby behind and getting closer to becoming a toddler. I feel as if his journey to toddlerhood marks the end of a chapter for Leif and I. Riley's little brother is now more of a playmate and best friend. My diaper bag is becoming lighter, and the bottles are now gone. I get excited when I think of life without a baby. Not that toddlers are so much easier, but its different. To the married couple who aren't parents, this isn't that big of a milestone but it is for us. We've had babies for the last two years and I don't even remember life without always holding, rocking and feeding a baby. Riley had about three months as a toddler without Beck but I don't recall it that well...
I think this new part of life we're about to enter has made me want a baby a bit. But then I remember that I need to enjoy now. I feel as if I missed parts of Riley's growing up because I was pregnant or had to watch a newborn. If we're meant to have another baby it'll happen when its time. For now we are about to be parents to two toddlers. Lots more potty training and funny stories ahead for us!
I'm going through a personal journey at the moment as well. I think the reason I haven't been blogging is because I wasn't ready to talk about this. I'm ready now. When I said I felt forgotten here in Monterey, I didn't mean by friends, I simply meant by God. I am sorting out what I believe. I grew up a certain way, and was taught a certain way. What to believe, who to be believe in. Even when I was at Biola and they challenged us to question our beliefs I was too afraid to. I remember once, while at a Buddhist temple, I thought maybe what I've grown up on is wrong? And that scared me so I never thought about it again. But now I think about it often. I talk about it. God says to love Him with your heart and your mind. For me it has always been mostly my heart. I'm an emotional person. I love with everything I am. I'm impulsive. This is why Leif is perfect for me. He's the opposite when it comes to things like this. He approaches everything from an academic standpoint and doesn't base things off of feelings.
I am struggling. Really struggling. I believe in a God of love and grace. I believe He has made us equal, as in, we are all created in His image. Yet, the church has told me that homosexuals aren't equal. They don't deserve what the heterosexuals deserve. To me that goes against God's nature. I've seen the church use politics and take advantage of people. Men aren't perfect, they are human. But its hard to watch someone lead a congregation and have a staff that is corrupt because, at the end of the day they're just like you and I. They'd have you think otherwise though. I defend the church. I say every church is different, make excuses for them, but more and more I think I'm wrong. I want to have hope, because I'm a hopeful person, but I think this process is needed. If anything I'll just learn more about God and myself. Send me some prayers or positive vibes or whatever:)