Friday, March 25, 2011
Living with depression.
I've started and restarted this blog post so many times. I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this. I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.
Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings. This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression. I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day. I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds. I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive. He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort. I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged. I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression. I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating. I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily. That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.
The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't. That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay. I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.
I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me. I don't feel like myself. But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)
Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing. Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked. All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)