Living with depression.

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times.  I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this.  I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings.  This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression.  I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day.  I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds.  I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive.  He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort.  I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged.  I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression.  I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating.  I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily.  That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't.  That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay.  I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

 I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me.  I don't feel like myself.  But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing.  Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked.  All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)

A New Season

     A new season is beginning.  I feel it.  Do you ever just feel that way? That change is coming? That everything you've known for the last few months will no longer be? I suddenly feel as if the trials I experienced have prepared me for whats next.  Today I felt God put on my heart: "You are prepared. You weren't ready before but now you are".  I feel at peace in a way I hadn't before and I feel as if the last few months, the hardships, the pain, the tears, the work, it was worth it just to hear that I'm ready.

  I wish I knew what I was ready for :) But I'm definitely celebrating this new season that will be coming.  A new leaf has been turned over it seems.  How fitting that spring is coming... Winter is ending, things are becoming new again.  New meaning has been given to my life and breathing fresh air never felt so wonderful. God is always so faithful and His timing so perfect. I know this, yet I fight and I question.  I am so grateful for His patience :)!

    I wish I could describe this breakthrough in my life.  I can say though, as soon as I gave up trying to make things go my way, the minute I allowed God to take control things began to change.  When I mean change I don't mean this physical change, but more of an emotional & spiritual change that has in turn over flowed into my marriage, my parenting, my home, my relationships, my health, my business... Its the whole working on your heart, and how you are on the inside so that it then shows on the outside.  BASICALLY: I can't do any of this on my own. I need to lean on God always.  He's my strength.

Post Partum Depression.

  I moved this post here: PPD

Thank You Leif!

Kayaking a few weeks ago!

   Leif, tomorrow we'll celebrate us, celebrate what we started over three years ago.  There are so many things that I could thank you for, but I want to specifically thank you for being such a supportive and understanding husband to me.  I know these past few months have been crazy around here with the start up of my photography business, but you have not once complained. You have come straight home from work, taken over dinner and gladly watched the kids so I'm able to go out and shoot or meet deadlines.  You've given up most of your weekends to stay at home with the babies while I have sessions and meetings.  And you always try to have dinner ready for me when I get back:) You have worked around my schedule, making sure that what I need to get done gets done. Thank you for always getting up with the kids at night if need be and letting me sleep and for doing the dishes before you go to bed! You have sacrificed so much these past few months and I hope you know how grateful I am. It doesn't go unnoticed. I wouldn't have been able to do all of this if it wasn't for you! Sometimes things are difficult without the help of family but you handle it all so well.

   Thank you Leif. I love you. I'm blessed to be married to you and have you as my main support system.  Thank you for thinking I can do anything and for encouraging me to just go ahead and do things! I love that you believe in me. It makes it easier for me to believe in myself. Basically, thanks for being my biggest fan, for always rooting for me, and for always pushing me to do my best.

New Hobby: DJ'ing

Introducing my new hobby!

I'm learning to DJ!

I'm so excited to finally have a chance to do this.

It's something I've always wanted to do, but I never had any idea how I'd go about learning :)

I met Nikki a few weeks ago and she told me her husband was a DJ.

When I told her I'd always wanted to learn, she told me her husband (Ro) would be more than happy to teach me!

YES!

I had Leif take pictures because this was so important to me :)

Ro was really patient with me and didn't mind my (probably ridiculous) questions.

I'm already checking craigslist daily for affordable turntables to practice and learn on.

Learning to DJ is on my dream list.

Happy I'm able to check that off

&

that my dreams are coming true!

New Hair.

I cut the fro!

I had some bad dreads so it had to be done. 

I realized though halfway through cutting it the front looked awesome

&

why ruin something so good?

I kept it.

Realizing later I totally channeled Elly Jackson of La Roux

and Janelle Monae. 

I'm in love with it and change is good. 

I still have the goal of growing my hair big but until then

I will enjoy this fresh start. 

I've been having a hard past two weeks so this 

has felt good. 

I am embracing it and hoping for

exciting things to happen!

Happy News!

I am heading back to school in the Fall:) I've been out of school now for about a year, and I'm finally ready to go back. Because I had gone to a Christian school and had a major that won't transfer to a public college, I had to change my major. As much as I loved my old major I feel as if I'll like my new major even more. I have become an art major with an emphasis in photography. I am thrilled and beyond excited. I want summer to end right now so I can start. I can't wait to be learning more about photography, about studio photography, film, lighting, the dark room, using equipment in addition to my camera, more photoshop... Can't wait!

God is so good!

To celebrate here is one of my favorite bands:

Do a little dance for me:)

Choosing what's right. Not easy.

Life has become less than perfect in our home. Routines have been broken and we find ourselves, again, adjusting to something new. Sometimes that is embraced, while other times it is met with disdain and frustration. Like recently:) Although it would be easy to choose the road of grumbling and irritation, Leif and I want to choose the one that is a bit harder. Less traveled some would say.

Things haven't been easy around here. Its been starting to show, mostly in the arguments that have been happening between Leif and I over this past week. We've been taking our frustrations with the way things have been these past few weeks out on each other. Today we took time to just talk and be honest with each other. To look at what may be causing the strife. I love that when my husband and I have discussions, they never turn into the blame game. Its very open and we make sure we are truthful with each other. It's always encouraging instead of discouraging. Leif could take this time to tear me down, but he uses the time to build me up. And I hope I do the same for him. I left the discussion knowing what I needed to work and Leif left knowing what he needed to work on. No one was hurt or upset. Thank God:)

We haven't taken the time to talk with each other in the way that we used to and need to. Our main focus lately has been Riley, our apartment, making sure things are in order, work, school... There hasn't really been us-time. Even worse, there hasn't really been any God-time. At the end of our conversation we came to the conclusion that we need to continue to take the time to spend with just each other. Talking. Praying. We also need to take a lot more time to read the Word and pursue our Maker. That's what our marriage is founded on and without that we will not be able to make things work.

We are taking steps to make sure that the arguments happen less. I know we're never going to not argue, but we can make efforts to be a better spouse to each other. We can make sure our actions and our words are uplifting instead of negative. We don't have to take our frustration and anger out on each other. Its easy to do but its not the right thing to do:) I think that we both would rather do the right thing than the easier thing at this point. Our marriage is a way to honor God, not displease Him. Leif and I want everything we do to be something that brings honor and praise to God. A marriage is included in that.

While we have some work cut out for us, we're excited to be back on track. I'm blessed to have the husband I have. I don't like that I take him for granted sometimes... I want to cherish and love him everyday, even on the bad days. I can't do that on my own though. I'm so grateful for a Father who is more than willing to help me.

America's Next Top Model

So America's Next Top Model is doing a season with girls that are 5'7" and under, and I keep trying to tell Margaret that she should try out. She says that probably every woman's husband or boyfriend tells them to try out, but I really think she could make it. And I don't think I'm the only one who thinks so. If anyone reading this agrees with me, I think you should leave a comment convincing her to audition. The worst thing that could happen is they could say no. And she might even get a chance to meet Tyra. So help me convince her.

I think this picture is proof that she could make it on the show, or even all the way to the top. I'm lucky to have such a beautiful wife. :)

My wife is an amazing amateur photographer...really...

I love the pictures Margaret takes of Riley. I'm sure it helps that we have such a beautiful child, but I'm always reminded of the talent she has when she shows me the pictures she's taken while I'm off at work. She always comes up with some of the best pictures of Riley, and I swear she barely even has to try. She just has a knack for catching her at the perfect moments. And not only that, but she adds little touches (like the way she frames her shots) that really make the pictures as good as they are. We just got a canon 20D digital SLR, and she's just starting to learn how to use it. We also got Photoshop CS3, and she's been learning how to use that as well, via online tutorials. I'm excited to see what she'll be capable of after putting alot of time into it. She's barely even started, and look at the results. She hasn't even had time to edit any of these in photoshop yet. She took all of these except the last one...

Margaret's new haircut...

I cut off all of Margaret's hair tonight. Well, not all of it...just most of it. I think she looks beautiful. I was a little apprehensive when she asked me to cut it, cause I was afraid I'd screw it up, but it turned out pretty well. See for yourself.

This was taken just before we cut it.

Throwing away the old hair...

Riley asked me to teach her how to fly tonight too.

Riley has arrived...(it's a girl)...

Margaret and I went into the hospital on Monday. We were inducing her, since she had been due a few days before, and we didn't want to miss Thanksgiving. They started her on pitosin, which is intended to induce contractions; the doctor stopped the pitosin in the evening so Margaret could eat and rest. They started her back up at midnight. When the doctor came on Tuesday morning, he broke her water to speed up the process. However, by 7 o clock that night, Margaret had only dilated to 5 cm's. After contracting so long, Margaret was pretty exhausted, so we decided to go with a C Section. The procedure took about 45 minutes total, and by 8:36, Riley was here. She was 7 lbs. even and either 19.5 or 20.5 inches (I'm not sure which are official). They stitched Margaret up, and we spent the next 36 hours in the hospital until they discharged her. Our nurses were a bit shocked that the doctor allowed us to go home, since the minimum time after a C Section is usually 3 days. But Margaret's been doing well, and so has Riley. I'm amazed at how quickly Margaret's recovering. And I'm even more amazed with how well Riley's doing. Here's a couple videos of her first moments, and a few of my favorite pictures as well. I'm hoping to post more soon. God's blessed us enormously over the last year, but none of it compares to how much he blessed us this past week. Thank you to everyone who's prayed for us and supported us over the last 9 months. We wouldn't be where we are without you. :)