Living with depression.

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times.  I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this.  I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings.  This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression.  I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day.  I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds.  I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive.  He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort.  I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged.  I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression.  I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating.  I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily.  That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't.  That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay.  I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

 I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me.  I don't feel like myself.  But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing.  Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked.  All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)

Thanks to Monterey

   It hit me the other day that I just might like living in Monterey. I surprised myself when I thought this. For the last almost two years we've been praying that God will make moving possible. To be close to family again. But the last few months I've felt like I should just take advantage of living here while I can because there will be a time when we'll move. Who knows when that'll be, but it'll happen and I know that I'll regret not getting to know Monterey.

  Lately I've been feeling overwhelmingly blessed to have the opportunity to live here and to know the people we know.  While connecting with people was slower in some ways, God definitely brought people early on that helped the transition.  I've been kind of freaking out at the idea of moving again. This has become home, and this is where I've grown up.  That sounds odd, but it hit me the other day: Living in Monterey is the first time I've really been on my own.  I don't know if people know this but when I was in school, my parents paid for everything. I had a part time job but that was just extra spending money. Then I got married and went from having my parents provide for me to having Leif take on that role. After Riley was born I still heavily relied on Leif and my parents. I drove out to be with my mom a few times a week and would have her come over to help with Riley. Now it seems silly of course but I was a first time mom & newlywed:) When we had to move to Monterey it took a little time for it to sink in that I was for the most part on my own.  When it finally hit me I had a hard time. While I struggled, I also began to grow. There were many frustrating conversations with God, and I was jealous of everyone who lived near family. Why didn't I get the luxury to lean on my parents and close friends while I began parenthood.

  Its all much clearer now.  Most the friends I have who do live near family, had a period in their lives where they were on their own.  This is my period + being a wife & raising kids.  I remember thinking that when I got married and when we had Riley, I grew up. And I did, in some ways. But not completely. I'm still doing a lot of growing, but thanks to Monterey, I'm learning to be an adult. Today I can honestly thank God for bringing us here. I know for Leif its different, but for me personally I've changed.  Coming here has helped me in so many ways... one of those being I believe in myself now. I am in awe at how far God has brought me and what He continues to do.  I didn't have answers before but they're becoming more clear everyday, and the timing is as always, perfect.  I have a better grasp on who Margaret is and where I want to go...  :)

 I have a new confidence in myself, but even more so, I have confidence in my Father & His blessings in my life.  I am thankful for where we are.

I do have a prayer request (or if you're into good vibes and thoughts please send me some of those!):

The past few months I've been having weird pains where my kidney & ovary are and finally went to the doctor for them. They found a cyst on my ovary (no big deal) and one on my kidney (kind of a big deal). I go in tomorrow for a CT on the kidney cyst. Just pray that although the size isn't normal, it will still be easy for them to go in and just remove it. I am SO happy they figured out what the pain was, and I'm looking forward to finding a solution!  Thanks :)

This Season of our Lives

       The past few months have been trying on Leif and I.  I'm not even sure where to start. We've broken down a lot in the last few weeks.  We've been frustrated and angry.  There have been tears and lots of questions. "Why are we in Monterey?!" "Why are our kids growing up so far from their grandparents?" I know personally I've been upset with God and impatient with Him.  I know there is a reason we are here, I know its important for something but we aren't seeing answers.  That's hard on us.  We haven't been happy, content yes, but not happy. We're tired and worn out.  We feel as if we have no control and we have to just sit here and watch what unfolds. Isn't that how it is though? From work to not being able to go out alone to the kids sleeping in our bed instead of their own.  Things around the house keep breaking and we think we're ahead but then a doctor bill comes. We don't want to use credit cards but somehow we end up using them.  Nothing seems to go the way we planned. We've been in situations where nothing went according to plan but for some reason this time of our lives is especially hard.

    We were driving down to Southern California for Thanksgiving and Rileys birthday (I have to post about our now 2-year old!) and Leif and I talked about how this is just a season.  It'll pass. Before we know it we won't be in Monterey, and we will be living near family and having to adjust to that. Our kids are going to be sleeping in their own beds for the rest of their lives so why worry about them wanting to be close to us now? There will come a time when Leif and I can go on dates as much as we want, we should take advantage of the family time now. Work will have its stressful moments but thankfully Leif has a job and my business has been growing. We can pay our bills and buy food and put gas in our car.

    Its hard living when you feel as if you can't stay above the water or find your footing. It really breaks a person when you constantly feel discouraged.  I've never experienced this before so I'm really overwhelmed and unsure of what to do or how to handle everything. Normally I feel so prepared and know how to handle what life throws at me. But not this time. Dare I say it? I feel as if we have been forgotten here. I know this isn't true, but thats how it feels.  I'm comforted though when I remember that this is a season. Be it long or short, its a season.  And we will get through it.

  I must say the kids have been a constant reminder of goodness and joy for Leif and I.  We are so blessed, even in times where it seems like nothing is going right.  I know that I speak for both of us when I say that our babies have been the best things that have happened to us:)

   On to brighter and better things! I've been posting more frequently on my photo blog, photos of the kids and other things. Check it out! Just posted a new post about making changes in 2011! Photo blog!

Living.

      Everyday Riley wakes me up by pulling back the covers and saying "Morning mommy!" very loudly. It drives me nuts but I love it at the same time. I love that she is so eager to start the day. She's more than excited to simply... start living another day. Beck always wakes up smiling and laughing. I try to take notes from my children. Try to imitate their joy over the simplest of things.  I find that when I do that, I feel so much better. As if I'm truly living life to the fullest. And really, that's the only way to live. 

  I am grateful for what God has given me. I find joy in the life He has given me to lead. Sometimes things are tough but He has always provided. And will continue to do so. I'm learning that I don't have time to waste on petty arguments, wanting things I don't have, being upset, gossiping, concerning myself with things that don't pertain to me, people that bring me down, complaining... My time is limited. I'd rather make sure that most of it (cause lets be realistic, I'm not perfect, ha!) is used to uplift, encourage, love, live, breath, celebrate, dance, praise, be happy, eat! And the list could go on. 

  I am all about living right here and now. 

November

    October was not my month. November, on the other hand, is! I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to wake up on Monday knowing it was November 1st. I was relieved and ready for some change. I know it seems odd that I would be that anxious to change months, but its made the biggest difference! My attitude is different and things are going much more smoothly. Granted, it is only the first week of November but I have a wonderful feeling about this month!

   I'm also really excited that its November because that means my baby girl will be celebrating her 2nd birthday on Thanksgiving! Eek! I think we're going to throw her a birthday party here in Monterey and in L.A. I'm excited:) She keeps saying "Happy Birthday Riley!" It always blows my mind that I'm Riley's mom. That two years ago she was still in my tummy and Leif and I would talk about what we thought she'd be like. Its weird that there was a time when she wasn't here, wasn't part of our family. I can't imagine life without her. She's the perfect mix of Leif and I.  She's loud like me, but cautious like Leif. She observes a lot like Leif and loves people the way I do. She's very nurturing, wanting to take care of everyone. When someone hurts she hurts as well, ready to comfort. While shes caring she's independent and likes to do her own thing. She'll watch something you do once and repeat it perfectly. Many times she wants nothing to do with other kids but would rather sit with the adults "talking" and doing what they do. She would rather hang out with Beck though... Anytime she sits anywhere, eats anything, takes a bath, etc she asks for Beck or to share with Beck. I hope this continues!

  Leif and I are in constant amazement of Riley. She picks things up fast and puts so many sentences together but we have no idea that she knew half of the words she says. I love watching her personality develop as she gets older. Its weird because its like she was always like this. From the beginning. Its just much more obvious now. So amazing!

&I celebrate.

      Here is to text messages that simply read: I love you. To the friends that got married today {congrats!}To husbands that change plans to help out. To knowing a best friend called. To long letters from good friends that no matter how little you talk, you will forever be close. To friends who are in love and moving forward in relationships. Here is to clean houses and dinners with friends. To weekends spent together, be it cooking, cleaning, lounging... together. Here is to skyping and chatting with siblings. To working out with friends, sweating and laughing together. To emails from friends far away. To baking and enjoying. Here is to growing. To staying positive amidst trials and tough places. To those that build you up, and encourage. Here is to my family and my friends. How blessed is a person to have relationships with those that will love them unconditionally.

  I celebrate tonight. Celebrate the little victories (really they're the most important, and big steps. I am thankful for today and excited for tomorrow:)!