Away

so I've tried to come back to this blog but I can't :)
At least not now...

until then:

Riley+Beck

a new blog I started which is basically one big love letter to the kids.

I post daily :) 

with photos! 

We're Moving!

Like the blog subject reads: We're moving!
Remember my blog post about how a New Season was upon us?
Well it is! 

Dreams come true, we are moving to Oregon :)
Where our hearts have been since we started dating.
Where we decided we wanted to raise our family when we had kids.
Where we wanted to buy a house.

It hasn't set in really.
Although we move in 11 days. Yes, 11 days!
I'm in a daze.

Although my house is slowly filling up with boxes and we've been eating on paper plates.
I still can't believe we're about to move to another state.

I haven't really reached the point of excitement yet. 

I just hope I can make it through the day.

Theres so much to pack, photos to finish editing, people to see... so forth.

We already have our apartment. 

That's one less thing to worry about.

I'm not excited about our new place, but its only for a year. 

Or so we think/hope.

Leif really wants to buy a house sooner than later so we're really downsizing.

Our rent in Oregon is more than half of what it is here in California.

Crazy right?!

We told Riley she was going to be living near Grandma and Grandpa J. and everyday she asks

if we're going to our new house yet :)

I'm so thankful that the door was open for Leif to get a new job in Oregon.

I'm thankful that we'll be so close to family, and that the kids will be around their grandparents and aunts.

I'm thankful that I'll get to be surrounded by friends I miss so much.

I'm thankful for the change that will be happening to our family and the new adventures we have ahead of us.

Living with depression.

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times.  I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this.  I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings.  This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression.  I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day.  I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds.  I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive.  He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort.  I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged.  I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression.  I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating.  I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily.  That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't.  That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay.  I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

 I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me.  I don't feel like myself.  But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing.  Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked.  All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)

A New Season

     A new season is beginning.  I feel it.  Do you ever just feel that way? That change is coming? That everything you've known for the last few months will no longer be? I suddenly feel as if the trials I experienced have prepared me for whats next.  Today I felt God put on my heart: "You are prepared. You weren't ready before but now you are".  I feel at peace in a way I hadn't before and I feel as if the last few months, the hardships, the pain, the tears, the work, it was worth it just to hear that I'm ready.

  I wish I knew what I was ready for :) But I'm definitely celebrating this new season that will be coming.  A new leaf has been turned over it seems.  How fitting that spring is coming... Winter is ending, things are becoming new again.  New meaning has been given to my life and breathing fresh air never felt so wonderful. God is always so faithful and His timing so perfect. I know this, yet I fight and I question.  I am so grateful for His patience :)!

    I wish I could describe this breakthrough in my life.  I can say though, as soon as I gave up trying to make things go my way, the minute I allowed God to take control things began to change.  When I mean change I don't mean this physical change, but more of an emotional & spiritual change that has in turn over flowed into my marriage, my parenting, my home, my relationships, my health, my business... Its the whole working on your heart, and how you are on the inside so that it then shows on the outside.  BASICALLY: I can't do any of this on my own. I need to lean on God always.  He's my strength.