Whats Next

      We're experiencing a lot of change around here.  Beck is slowly leaving the baby behind and getting closer to becoming a toddler.  I feel as if his journey to toddlerhood marks the end of a chapter for Leif and I. Riley's little brother is now more of a playmate and best friend.  My diaper bag is becoming lighter, and the bottles are now gone.  I get excited when I think of life without a baby. Not that toddlers are so much easier, but its different. To the married couple who aren't parents, this isn't that big of a milestone but it is for us.  We've had babies for the last two years and I don't even remember life without always holding, rocking and feeding a baby. Riley had about three months as a toddler without Beck but I don't recall it that well...

    I think this new part of life we're about to enter has made me want a baby a bit. But then I remember that I need to enjoy now. I feel as if I missed parts of Riley's growing up because I was pregnant or had to watch a newborn. If we're meant to have another baby it'll happen when its time.  For now we are about to be parents to two toddlers. Lots more potty training and funny stories ahead for us!

  I'm going through a personal journey at the moment as well. I think the reason I haven't been blogging is because I wasn't ready to talk about this. I'm ready now. When I said I felt forgotten here in Monterey, I didn't mean by friends, I simply meant by God. I am sorting out what I believe. I grew up a certain way, and was taught a certain way. What to believe, who to be believe in. Even when I was at Biola and they challenged us to question our beliefs I was too afraid to. I remember once, while at a Buddhist temple, I thought maybe what I've grown up on is wrong? And that scared me so I never thought about it again.  But now I think about it often. I talk about it. God says to love Him with your heart and your mind.  For me it has always been mostly my heart. I'm an emotional person. I love with everything I am. I'm impulsive. This is why Leif is perfect for me. He's the opposite when it comes to things like this. He approaches everything from an academic standpoint and doesn't base things off of feelings.

    I am struggling. Really struggling. I believe in a God of love and grace. I believe He has made us equal, as in, we are all created in His image.  Yet, the church has told me that homosexuals aren't equal. They don't deserve what the heterosexuals deserve.  To me that goes against God's nature. I've seen the church use politics and take advantage of people. Men aren't perfect, they are human. But its hard to watch someone lead a congregation and have a staff that is corrupt because, at the end of the day they're just like you and I. They'd have you think otherwise though.  I defend the church. I say every church is different, make excuses for them, but more and more I think I'm wrong.  I want to have hope, because I'm a hopeful person, but I think this process is needed. If anything I'll just learn more about God and myself. Send me some prayers or positive vibes or whatever:)

This Season of our Lives

       The past few months have been trying on Leif and I.  I'm not even sure where to start. We've broken down a lot in the last few weeks.  We've been frustrated and angry.  There have been tears and lots of questions. "Why are we in Monterey?!" "Why are our kids growing up so far from their grandparents?" I know personally I've been upset with God and impatient with Him.  I know there is a reason we are here, I know its important for something but we aren't seeing answers.  That's hard on us.  We haven't been happy, content yes, but not happy. We're tired and worn out.  We feel as if we have no control and we have to just sit here and watch what unfolds. Isn't that how it is though? From work to not being able to go out alone to the kids sleeping in our bed instead of their own.  Things around the house keep breaking and we think we're ahead but then a doctor bill comes. We don't want to use credit cards but somehow we end up using them.  Nothing seems to go the way we planned. We've been in situations where nothing went according to plan but for some reason this time of our lives is especially hard.

    We were driving down to Southern California for Thanksgiving and Rileys birthday (I have to post about our now 2-year old!) and Leif and I talked about how this is just a season.  It'll pass. Before we know it we won't be in Monterey, and we will be living near family and having to adjust to that. Our kids are going to be sleeping in their own beds for the rest of their lives so why worry about them wanting to be close to us now? There will come a time when Leif and I can go on dates as much as we want, we should take advantage of the family time now. Work will have its stressful moments but thankfully Leif has a job and my business has been growing. We can pay our bills and buy food and put gas in our car.

    Its hard living when you feel as if you can't stay above the water or find your footing. It really breaks a person when you constantly feel discouraged.  I've never experienced this before so I'm really overwhelmed and unsure of what to do or how to handle everything. Normally I feel so prepared and know how to handle what life throws at me. But not this time. Dare I say it? I feel as if we have been forgotten here. I know this isn't true, but thats how it feels.  I'm comforted though when I remember that this is a season. Be it long or short, its a season.  And we will get through it.

  I must say the kids have been a constant reminder of goodness and joy for Leif and I.  We are so blessed, even in times where it seems like nothing is going right.  I know that I speak for both of us when I say that our babies have been the best things that have happened to us:)

   On to brighter and better things! I've been posting more frequently on my photo blog, photos of the kids and other things. Check it out! Just posted a new post about making changes in 2011! Photo blog!

Living.

      Everyday Riley wakes me up by pulling back the covers and saying "Morning mommy!" very loudly. It drives me nuts but I love it at the same time. I love that she is so eager to start the day. She's more than excited to simply... start living another day. Beck always wakes up smiling and laughing. I try to take notes from my children. Try to imitate their joy over the simplest of things.  I find that when I do that, I feel so much better. As if I'm truly living life to the fullest. And really, that's the only way to live. 

  I am grateful for what God has given me. I find joy in the life He has given me to lead. Sometimes things are tough but He has always provided. And will continue to do so. I'm learning that I don't have time to waste on petty arguments, wanting things I don't have, being upset, gossiping, concerning myself with things that don't pertain to me, people that bring me down, complaining... My time is limited. I'd rather make sure that most of it (cause lets be realistic, I'm not perfect, ha!) is used to uplift, encourage, love, live, breath, celebrate, dance, praise, be happy, eat! And the list could go on. 

  I am all about living right here and now. 

Discipline & Toddlers

Leif turned to me in the car yesterday and asked me: "How do we want to handle this?" and by this he meant Riley's tantrums. When she first turned 1, she was throwing them here and there but by 14 months she had stopped. Now they've started up again and a simple "Please stop that" no longer works. I didn't realize just how strong willed my daughter was and I didn't realize how soon we would have to discuss discipline. She can go from happy to upset in seconds and then back again. I'm pretty sure this is normal for children her age, haha. But throwing herself on the ground isn't the best way of expressing her frustration. The question is: How do we discipline her while teaching her a better way to handle these situations?

I'm a firm believer in being a parent first, and a friend second. My child doesn't run things, Leif and I do. I don't care how hard you cry, kick and roll, no means no in this house. But whats the right approach to helping my daughter learn this? What will work best for her? I called my mom this morning and she gave me some advice on how to approach dealing with tantrums and getting Riley to listen. First she suggested Dr. Dobsons The Strong-Willed Child and then she shared her own personal thoughts on parenting. My mom and I butt heads a lot but we share the same views on parenting for the most part.

A lot of the things she suggested Leif has already started to do. Something I've noticed is that Riley tends to listen to Leif more. She doesn't seem to take me as seriously as she does him. I think its because I'm not the best at following through. Especially since Becks been born I've been letting her get away with a lot more and not addressing certain things. I'm learning that follow through and consistency are really important when it comes to discipline. Those two things are important when it comes to a lot of things:)

So, what is your approach to disciplining your toddler? And what advice have you been given that you'd like to share or advice you yourself have come up with? I'm all ears!

Adjusting.

I love love love this picture.

I'm adjusting to life with two children. Its definitely a challenge. I think I've given up on getting places early or even on time. It doesn't matter how many times I pack the diaper bag two hours before we're suppose to leave or pack up the car early, there's always a diaper that needs to be changed or milk that needs to be wiped up. I've also come to terms with the fact that my house isn't going to get cleaned as fast as it once did. Some days, Leif will simply come home to a messy house and maybe even an empty table:)

I'm working on finding a new routine. The new one wasn't working so well anymore. At first I had a hard time with that. I didn't want to let go of the perfect schedule I had worked out for Riley and I. Yet, I had to. There was no way around it. I've now embraced the change and I'm loving trying to find a new way of running the house and taking care of the kids. So far I've learned that preparation is the key right now. I tend to be forgetful so I have to do a lot of my preparing the night before. I have to set out clothes for the babise, cut up veggies and fruits for Riley's breakfast and lunch. I have to make sure I restock the diaper bag or else we'll be out and there will be no diapers or snacks for Riley. And for me.

There are times when I feel like everything is getting out of my control and I panic a little. A quick prayer usually calms my nerves, and suddenly the situation isn't as terrible as it seemed a minute ago. God's good like that.

Lessons of the day.

Last night was a good night. We didn't have an intruder in our bed, and Beck actually woke up to eat. I was looking forward to today. I made Leif breakfast and brought it to him in bed, got Riley dressed, fed Beck, assuming I'd have time to shower and eat before the kids doctors appointment today. But then Beck wanted to keep eating, and so there went my shower. When I thought maybe he was finished, he still wanted to eat! So there went my breakfast:(
It put me in a bad mood. I was so grumpy and told Leif it was basically all his fault. If he had just helped me... He said "I thought that's what your mom was here for". And I'm so glad she is here! Do not get me wrong, but I still need my husbands help. He always tells me I need to just ask but I want him to just offer. He does offer a lot, which I'm thankful for. I need to thank him for that more often. And I do need to ask for help. Not just ask Leif but people who offer to help.
I fought with my mom today too which didn't help the day:( I am struggling with having her here all day everyday. Its hard to have someone in your home who does something so differently then you do. We are both very particular people, which makes for lots of arguments and disagreements. Today we argued a lot over what I can and can't do. I don't like when people put limits on me. Especially my mother. She kept reminding me that I couldn't pick Riley up, I couldn't clean, I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I did realize though that I need to simply accept my moms help, be grateful she is here and willing to help me. Even if it means she'll do things a lot differently than me.

Today I learned a few lessons. Accept help when its offered and ask when its needed.

Highlights of today: Beck has gained a few ounces since coming home & Riley didn't cry getting her shot.

Leif pointed out last night that I've been negative lately and its discouraging him. At first I got really upset, because normally I'm not a negative person. Plus no one likes to hear that they're discouraging their husband. I didn't want to believe that I was that kind of wife. No! We argued about it for awhile, and eventually I had to agree with him. I'm not sure I agreed with him outloud though, :) I've had a terrible attitude lately and when I thought I was being honest with Leif about things bothering me, I was just complaining. Awful.

I hate hearing things like that. Its hard to hear that you've been putting someone down, even if it wasn't directly, when you should be building them up. I always want to build my husband up, encourage him, support him, love him. I didn't think that my complaining was going to affect Leif in any way but it did. And in a bigger way than I thought. I'm thankful he talked to me though and was willing to listen. I don't enjoy arguing with my husband, but I think the discussion we had last night was important and needed. I spent a lot of the morning praying, asking God to change my heart and outlook. I think theres going to be some changes made:)

This is my theme song for this time in our life.
It has been since we got married.

"I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done"

Good News/Bad News

So we have some good and exciting news: Leif got the job in Monterey! We're very excited, nervous but excited:) This is going to be a new adventure for us and we're ready! We can't wait to experience something so different than we've ever experienced before. While its nerve-racking to move away from family and close friends, its thrilling because you don't know what to expect. We're being thrown into something very new, where we will definitely have to leave our comfort zone. We know that God has big plans for us and knows whats He's doing. Its such a comfort and joy to know that our God is leading us somewhere to better serve Him.

We found a community about a mile and a half from Leif's job, that was formally military housing. Its for government employees and I believe ex-military. They have some houses open and we're praying that we're able to get one. It would be a nice change to live in a house, instead of an apartment. And I would love a yard! Also, who doesn't want a free gym membership? We're going to start packing this coming week, just a little by little... And we're enjoying our last few weeks here in Southern California. It's going to be hard to leave but, and its weird that I say this, it feels like its time.
Our bad, well sad, news is that most likely I've miscarried. Most people don't like to tell people they're pregnant until about 12 weeks, when your risk of miscarriage has gone way down. But I wanted to make sure I shared that I was pregnant with as many people as possible. Because it is so important to me to have all the support and prayers possible. And if I did has a miscarriage, I would still have the support and prayers .

Thursday I started spotting, but then it stopped and I made an appointment for the following day. Instead of sitting around that night I went and spent time with close friends. I needed to be around people that loved and cared for me. It helped. I slept well that night, comforted by prayers. The following day we went to the doctor and saw the sac. It was too early for a heartbeat and too early to tell if the baby was growing normally or abnormally. That was hard to hear, I was praying we would hear a heartbeat. Instead I was sent to the lab to test my hormone levels. I have to go back on Tuesday to retest and then have the levels compared. If they have gone up then that's wonderful, if not... Well no so good. The bleeding started again last night and when we went to bed it was hard. I was in so much pain, I just cried because it hurt so bad. When I woke up this morning I had peace. While we're still praying and hoping, both Leif and I are at peace with what has happened. There is a chance I'm still pregnant but its a small chance.

I know that God is good, I also know He has a plan and usually I don't understand this plan. This is one of those times I don't understand but I'm not upset. I always thought I would be but I'm happy. I'm so blessed and thankful. All I can think about is just how wonderful and good my Father is. If my baby wasn't suppose to be born, then it wasn't. God knows more than I, and trust Him. Last year, I wouldn't have said that but thankfully I've learned how to trust and let go of things. God will bless me with more children when the timing is right. I don't doubt that at all!

Its amazing how amidst tragedy you really can see just how great God is.

Thank you all for your prayers and love:)!

Limiting God.

I'm learning that I tend to limit God often. I limit His goodness, His power, His greatness. If I can't fix something then God can't either. Why do I have this mentality? I said something to someone a few weeks ago that basically translated: "Its impossible". And she looked at me and was like "No, don't limit God. Nothing is impossible with Him". And I was just like "THANK YOU!" I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded of that. I still do constantly. I refuse to limit my Lord.

This week I've been reciting Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I like to look up all the different versions for verses and another favorite way of saying this verse: "I have strength for anything through Him who gives me power." Amen!

The past few days have been so unexpected and Leif and I are both at a point where the only strength we have is God. Its interesting how it takes a lot of bad sometimes, to make you fully rely on the Lord. To truly cling to Him and trust Him. Only in a time of despair is it easy to do that, because you're left with no other options. Shouldn't God always be our first option? Oh, I have so much to learn:) God is so patient with me, and so faithful! While things are so unsure and up in the air at the moment, God has given me peace. He is reminding me that He has given us the spirit of peace and a sound mind, not of fear.

He is not a God of fear. Nor is He a God who can't handle anything. He is God. He is all knowing and powerful. I should be more than happy to give my problems and complaints to Him. If anyone can handle them, God can:)! Hallelujah!

I still wake up next to Leif and am amazed that I get to spend my whole life with him. I am so blessed to have a husband who has amazing faith and never forgets brings me sunflowers every 15th of every month.

How blessed am I? I get to be mommy to this beautiful baby girl, who makes everything so much more wonderful than it was before. Thank you Jesus for your goodness.