We're Moving!

Like the blog subject reads: We're moving!
Remember my blog post about how a New Season was upon us?
Well it is! 

Dreams come true, we are moving to Oregon :)
Where our hearts have been since we started dating.
Where we decided we wanted to raise our family when we had kids.
Where we wanted to buy a house.

It hasn't set in really.
Although we move in 11 days. Yes, 11 days!
I'm in a daze.

Although my house is slowly filling up with boxes and we've been eating on paper plates.
I still can't believe we're about to move to another state.

I haven't really reached the point of excitement yet. 

I just hope I can make it through the day.

Theres so much to pack, photos to finish editing, people to see... so forth.

We already have our apartment. 

That's one less thing to worry about.

I'm not excited about our new place, but its only for a year. 

Or so we think/hope.

Leif really wants to buy a house sooner than later so we're really downsizing.

Our rent in Oregon is more than half of what it is here in California.

Crazy right?!

We told Riley she was going to be living near Grandma and Grandpa J. and everyday she asks

if we're going to our new house yet :)

I'm so thankful that the door was open for Leif to get a new job in Oregon.

I'm thankful that we'll be so close to family, and that the kids will be around their grandparents and aunts.

I'm thankful that I'll get to be surrounded by friends I miss so much.

I'm thankful for the change that will be happening to our family and the new adventures we have ahead of us.

Living with depression.

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times.  I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this.  I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings.  This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression.  I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day.  I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds.  I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive.  He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort.  I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged.  I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression.  I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating.  I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily.  That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't.  That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay.  I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

 I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me.  I don't feel like myself.  But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing.  Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked.  All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)

Thanks to Monterey

   It hit me the other day that I just might like living in Monterey. I surprised myself when I thought this. For the last almost two years we've been praying that God will make moving possible. To be close to family again. But the last few months I've felt like I should just take advantage of living here while I can because there will be a time when we'll move. Who knows when that'll be, but it'll happen and I know that I'll regret not getting to know Monterey.

  Lately I've been feeling overwhelmingly blessed to have the opportunity to live here and to know the people we know.  While connecting with people was slower in some ways, God definitely brought people early on that helped the transition.  I've been kind of freaking out at the idea of moving again. This has become home, and this is where I've grown up.  That sounds odd, but it hit me the other day: Living in Monterey is the first time I've really been on my own.  I don't know if people know this but when I was in school, my parents paid for everything. I had a part time job but that was just extra spending money. Then I got married and went from having my parents provide for me to having Leif take on that role. After Riley was born I still heavily relied on Leif and my parents. I drove out to be with my mom a few times a week and would have her come over to help with Riley. Now it seems silly of course but I was a first time mom & newlywed:) When we had to move to Monterey it took a little time for it to sink in that I was for the most part on my own.  When it finally hit me I had a hard time. While I struggled, I also began to grow. There were many frustrating conversations with God, and I was jealous of everyone who lived near family. Why didn't I get the luxury to lean on my parents and close friends while I began parenthood.

  Its all much clearer now.  Most the friends I have who do live near family, had a period in their lives where they were on their own.  This is my period + being a wife & raising kids.  I remember thinking that when I got married and when we had Riley, I grew up. And I did, in some ways. But not completely. I'm still doing a lot of growing, but thanks to Monterey, I'm learning to be an adult. Today I can honestly thank God for bringing us here. I know for Leif its different, but for me personally I've changed.  Coming here has helped me in so many ways... one of those being I believe in myself now. I am in awe at how far God has brought me and what He continues to do.  I didn't have answers before but they're becoming more clear everyday, and the timing is as always, perfect.  I have a better grasp on who Margaret is and where I want to go...  :)

 I have a new confidence in myself, but even more so, I have confidence in my Father & His blessings in my life.  I am thankful for where we are.

I do have a prayer request (or if you're into good vibes and thoughts please send me some of those!):

The past few months I've been having weird pains where my kidney & ovary are and finally went to the doctor for them. They found a cyst on my ovary (no big deal) and one on my kidney (kind of a big deal). I go in tomorrow for a CT on the kidney cyst. Just pray that although the size isn't normal, it will still be easy for them to go in and just remove it. I am SO happy they figured out what the pain was, and I'm looking forward to finding a solution!  Thanks :)

Here's to 2010!

  While the end of 2010 wasn't the best I am thankful for a lot of things that happened to us this year. We saw a lot of change and we were most definitely blessed. Not only did we welcome another member into our family, but a business was started, our first family car was bought, we got our first family pet, Leif's job switched from contractor to federal employee and we were able to celebrate another birthday with our daughter.

I see even greater things happening in 2011:)  

Life with kids.

    Recently I thought about why I wanted kids. I remember not wanting them in highschool and in college. Then I met Leif and I suddenly wanted 5 of them! I wanted to have a family with this person I fell in love with and wanted to marry.  I happened to be on twitter and saw that babble.com had posted a link to a blog post about "Why Do You Want Kids". The blog post talked about how most answers that parents come up with aren't good enough for those who aren't parents.  It also brought up that article that was in the New York magazine about how sure, you love your children but you hate your life. Pft!

  I don't really want to go into the articles... I realized that I tend to be careful about what I say about being a parent. I have a lot of friends that don't want to have children, or thinking they have time to put it off. I know they read these articles and believe them.  I listen to them tell me what life is like with children, even though they have none. I listen while they tell me how you never get time with your spouse/significant other. I listen when they tell me about how hard it is to go out on dates or travel. I listen and nod. Sometimes I say things like, "no its not like that" but it gets ignored. This isn't to say that I think that everyone should go out and get pregnant. I don't think this. But I get tired of hearing things from friends who aren't parents, about what life will be like. Especially when I'm sitting there, as a parent.  Never have I judged friends who don't want kids, but its hard knowing that some of them judge me and my choices.

  It bothers me that my friends believe that deep down Leif and I are unhappy. Or almost feel bad for us. I can't tell you how many times friends have apologized to me for the fact that I got pregnant at 20. It always catches me off guard. I don't feel sorry for myself so why should they? I love my children, AND I love my life. Leif and I have to plan out our dates and some weeks we both work so much that we don't get to actually talk to each other until we're going to bed.  Most of our vacations are spent visiting our families, but what's wrong with that? We have to start setting money aside for Riley to do ballet or gymnastics. Because of this I probably won't get my gym membership as soon as I'd like. It could be worse.  There are other new costs that come with having a toddler, almost two. But, while that means that we sacrifice going to the movies every month and having cable, we use our saved money on other things that Leif and I enjoy. Now that the kids are getting bigger, we're excited that we can now start planning for a small family trip and next Fall we're hoping and praying that going to France will work out for the two of us.  We can't just pick up and take a weekend trip the way we used to be able to, we just have to work at it. We just have to try now. It doesn't bother us, and it doesn't make us bitter towards life.

  I sound almost defensive... I just want to share that yes, our lives have become a bit more complicated but we love every moment. Leif and I feel so blessed that we have been able to have children, that we were given such wonderful gifts.  I don't think parenting is for everyone, but it is for some and that should be respected.

Whats Next

      We're experiencing a lot of change around here.  Beck is slowly leaving the baby behind and getting closer to becoming a toddler.  I feel as if his journey to toddlerhood marks the end of a chapter for Leif and I. Riley's little brother is now more of a playmate and best friend.  My diaper bag is becoming lighter, and the bottles are now gone.  I get excited when I think of life without a baby. Not that toddlers are so much easier, but its different. To the married couple who aren't parents, this isn't that big of a milestone but it is for us.  We've had babies for the last two years and I don't even remember life without always holding, rocking and feeding a baby. Riley had about three months as a toddler without Beck but I don't recall it that well...

    I think this new part of life we're about to enter has made me want a baby a bit. But then I remember that I need to enjoy now. I feel as if I missed parts of Riley's growing up because I was pregnant or had to watch a newborn. If we're meant to have another baby it'll happen when its time.  For now we are about to be parents to two toddlers. Lots more potty training and funny stories ahead for us!

  I'm going through a personal journey at the moment as well. I think the reason I haven't been blogging is because I wasn't ready to talk about this. I'm ready now. When I said I felt forgotten here in Monterey, I didn't mean by friends, I simply meant by God. I am sorting out what I believe. I grew up a certain way, and was taught a certain way. What to believe, who to be believe in. Even when I was at Biola and they challenged us to question our beliefs I was too afraid to. I remember once, while at a Buddhist temple, I thought maybe what I've grown up on is wrong? And that scared me so I never thought about it again.  But now I think about it often. I talk about it. God says to love Him with your heart and your mind.  For me it has always been mostly my heart. I'm an emotional person. I love with everything I am. I'm impulsive. This is why Leif is perfect for me. He's the opposite when it comes to things like this. He approaches everything from an academic standpoint and doesn't base things off of feelings.

    I am struggling. Really struggling. I believe in a God of love and grace. I believe He has made us equal, as in, we are all created in His image.  Yet, the church has told me that homosexuals aren't equal. They don't deserve what the heterosexuals deserve.  To me that goes against God's nature. I've seen the church use politics and take advantage of people. Men aren't perfect, they are human. But its hard to watch someone lead a congregation and have a staff that is corrupt because, at the end of the day they're just like you and I. They'd have you think otherwise though.  I defend the church. I say every church is different, make excuses for them, but more and more I think I'm wrong.  I want to have hope, because I'm a hopeful person, but I think this process is needed. If anything I'll just learn more about God and myself. Send me some prayers or positive vibes or whatever:)

This Season of our Lives

       The past few months have been trying on Leif and I.  I'm not even sure where to start. We've broken down a lot in the last few weeks.  We've been frustrated and angry.  There have been tears and lots of questions. "Why are we in Monterey?!" "Why are our kids growing up so far from their grandparents?" I know personally I've been upset with God and impatient with Him.  I know there is a reason we are here, I know its important for something but we aren't seeing answers.  That's hard on us.  We haven't been happy, content yes, but not happy. We're tired and worn out.  We feel as if we have no control and we have to just sit here and watch what unfolds. Isn't that how it is though? From work to not being able to go out alone to the kids sleeping in our bed instead of their own.  Things around the house keep breaking and we think we're ahead but then a doctor bill comes. We don't want to use credit cards but somehow we end up using them.  Nothing seems to go the way we planned. We've been in situations where nothing went according to plan but for some reason this time of our lives is especially hard.

    We were driving down to Southern California for Thanksgiving and Rileys birthday (I have to post about our now 2-year old!) and Leif and I talked about how this is just a season.  It'll pass. Before we know it we won't be in Monterey, and we will be living near family and having to adjust to that. Our kids are going to be sleeping in their own beds for the rest of their lives so why worry about them wanting to be close to us now? There will come a time when Leif and I can go on dates as much as we want, we should take advantage of the family time now. Work will have its stressful moments but thankfully Leif has a job and my business has been growing. We can pay our bills and buy food and put gas in our car.

    Its hard living when you feel as if you can't stay above the water or find your footing. It really breaks a person when you constantly feel discouraged.  I've never experienced this before so I'm really overwhelmed and unsure of what to do or how to handle everything. Normally I feel so prepared and know how to handle what life throws at me. But not this time. Dare I say it? I feel as if we have been forgotten here. I know this isn't true, but thats how it feels.  I'm comforted though when I remember that this is a season. Be it long or short, its a season.  And we will get through it.

  I must say the kids have been a constant reminder of goodness and joy for Leif and I.  We are so blessed, even in times where it seems like nothing is going right.  I know that I speak for both of us when I say that our babies have been the best things that have happened to us:)

   On to brighter and better things! I've been posting more frequently on my photo blog, photos of the kids and other things. Check it out! Just posted a new post about making changes in 2011! Photo blog!

Living.

      Everyday Riley wakes me up by pulling back the covers and saying "Morning mommy!" very loudly. It drives me nuts but I love it at the same time. I love that she is so eager to start the day. She's more than excited to simply... start living another day. Beck always wakes up smiling and laughing. I try to take notes from my children. Try to imitate their joy over the simplest of things.  I find that when I do that, I feel so much better. As if I'm truly living life to the fullest. And really, that's the only way to live. 

  I am grateful for what God has given me. I find joy in the life He has given me to lead. Sometimes things are tough but He has always provided. And will continue to do so. I'm learning that I don't have time to waste on petty arguments, wanting things I don't have, being upset, gossiping, concerning myself with things that don't pertain to me, people that bring me down, complaining... My time is limited. I'd rather make sure that most of it (cause lets be realistic, I'm not perfect, ha!) is used to uplift, encourage, love, live, breath, celebrate, dance, praise, be happy, eat! And the list could go on. 

  I am all about living right here and now. 

November

    October was not my month. November, on the other hand, is! I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to wake up on Monday knowing it was November 1st. I was relieved and ready for some change. I know it seems odd that I would be that anxious to change months, but its made the biggest difference! My attitude is different and things are going much more smoothly. Granted, it is only the first week of November but I have a wonderful feeling about this month!

   I'm also really excited that its November because that means my baby girl will be celebrating her 2nd birthday on Thanksgiving! Eek! I think we're going to throw her a birthday party here in Monterey and in L.A. I'm excited:) She keeps saying "Happy Birthday Riley!" It always blows my mind that I'm Riley's mom. That two years ago she was still in my tummy and Leif and I would talk about what we thought she'd be like. Its weird that there was a time when she wasn't here, wasn't part of our family. I can't imagine life without her. She's the perfect mix of Leif and I.  She's loud like me, but cautious like Leif. She observes a lot like Leif and loves people the way I do. She's very nurturing, wanting to take care of everyone. When someone hurts she hurts as well, ready to comfort. While shes caring she's independent and likes to do her own thing. She'll watch something you do once and repeat it perfectly. Many times she wants nothing to do with other kids but would rather sit with the adults "talking" and doing what they do. She would rather hang out with Beck though... Anytime she sits anywhere, eats anything, takes a bath, etc she asks for Beck or to share with Beck. I hope this continues!

  Leif and I are in constant amazement of Riley. She picks things up fast and puts so many sentences together but we have no idea that she knew half of the words she says. I love watching her personality develop as she gets older. Its weird because its like she was always like this. From the beginning. Its just much more obvious now. So amazing!

&I celebrate.

      Here is to text messages that simply read: I love you. To the friends that got married today {congrats!}To husbands that change plans to help out. To knowing a best friend called. To long letters from good friends that no matter how little you talk, you will forever be close. To friends who are in love and moving forward in relationships. Here is to clean houses and dinners with friends. To weekends spent together, be it cooking, cleaning, lounging... together. Here is to skyping and chatting with siblings. To working out with friends, sweating and laughing together. To emails from friends far away. To baking and enjoying. Here is to growing. To staying positive amidst trials and tough places. To those that build you up, and encourage. Here is to my family and my friends. How blessed is a person to have relationships with those that will love them unconditionally.

  I celebrate tonight. Celebrate the little victories (really they're the most important, and big steps. I am thankful for today and excited for tomorrow:)!

The kids in photos.

   I haven't really taken pictures of the kids as often as I'd like. I took so many of Riley but now that I'm taking pictures of so many other people pictures of the kids kind of come last. I hate that and so I'm attempting to snap a few each day. Here are some I took yesterday:

     My room seems to have the best lighting so the kids and I just hung around on the bed while I snapped a few photos.  Look how beautiful my children are! Definitely gifts from God. I wish that Leif had been home so I could have gotten him in a few photos. I'm trying to take more pictures of him as well.... and myself. These moments as a young family are fleeting and I'd like to document as much of it as possible.  Nothing fancy, just us in the everyday. I'm learning more about myself and learning that those types of photos are my favorite. The photos of people living life. How wonderful and perfect! 

Adjusting.

I love love love this picture.

I'm adjusting to life with two children. Its definitely a challenge. I think I've given up on getting places early or even on time. It doesn't matter how many times I pack the diaper bag two hours before we're suppose to leave or pack up the car early, there's always a diaper that needs to be changed or milk that needs to be wiped up. I've also come to terms with the fact that my house isn't going to get cleaned as fast as it once did. Some days, Leif will simply come home to a messy house and maybe even an empty table:)

I'm working on finding a new routine. The new one wasn't working so well anymore. At first I had a hard time with that. I didn't want to let go of the perfect schedule I had worked out for Riley and I. Yet, I had to. There was no way around it. I've now embraced the change and I'm loving trying to find a new way of running the house and taking care of the kids. So far I've learned that preparation is the key right now. I tend to be forgetful so I have to do a lot of my preparing the night before. I have to set out clothes for the babise, cut up veggies and fruits for Riley's breakfast and lunch. I have to make sure I restock the diaper bag or else we'll be out and there will be no diapers or snacks for Riley. And for me.

There are times when I feel like everything is getting out of my control and I panic a little. A quick prayer usually calms my nerves, and suddenly the situation isn't as terrible as it seemed a minute ago. God's good like that.

Lessons of the day.

Last night was a good night. We didn't have an intruder in our bed, and Beck actually woke up to eat. I was looking forward to today. I made Leif breakfast and brought it to him in bed, got Riley dressed, fed Beck, assuming I'd have time to shower and eat before the kids doctors appointment today. But then Beck wanted to keep eating, and so there went my shower. When I thought maybe he was finished, he still wanted to eat! So there went my breakfast:(
It put me in a bad mood. I was so grumpy and told Leif it was basically all his fault. If he had just helped me... He said "I thought that's what your mom was here for". And I'm so glad she is here! Do not get me wrong, but I still need my husbands help. He always tells me I need to just ask but I want him to just offer. He does offer a lot, which I'm thankful for. I need to thank him for that more often. And I do need to ask for help. Not just ask Leif but people who offer to help.
I fought with my mom today too which didn't help the day:( I am struggling with having her here all day everyday. Its hard to have someone in your home who does something so differently then you do. We are both very particular people, which makes for lots of arguments and disagreements. Today we argued a lot over what I can and can't do. I don't like when people put limits on me. Especially my mother. She kept reminding me that I couldn't pick Riley up, I couldn't clean, I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I did realize though that I need to simply accept my moms help, be grateful she is here and willing to help me. Even if it means she'll do things a lot differently than me.

Today I learned a few lessons. Accept help when its offered and ask when its needed.

Highlights of today: Beck has gained a few ounces since coming home & Riley didn't cry getting her shot.

Leif pointed out last night that I've been negative lately and its discouraging him. At first I got really upset, because normally I'm not a negative person. Plus no one likes to hear that they're discouraging their husband. I didn't want to believe that I was that kind of wife. No! We argued about it for awhile, and eventually I had to agree with him. I'm not sure I agreed with him outloud though, :) I've had a terrible attitude lately and when I thought I was being honest with Leif about things bothering me, I was just complaining. Awful.

I hate hearing things like that. Its hard to hear that you've been putting someone down, even if it wasn't directly, when you should be building them up. I always want to build my husband up, encourage him, support him, love him. I didn't think that my complaining was going to affect Leif in any way but it did. And in a bigger way than I thought. I'm thankful he talked to me though and was willing to listen. I don't enjoy arguing with my husband, but I think the discussion we had last night was important and needed. I spent a lot of the morning praying, asking God to change my heart and outlook. I think theres going to be some changes made:)

This is my theme song for this time in our life.
It has been since we got married.

"I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done"