Living with depression.

  I've started and restarted this blog post so many times.  I think I'm having a hard time with the words and how I want to share this.  I understand this is hard for people to share, that's why they keep it to themselves, but I feel as if I've created a little support group for my PDD and I'd like to blog about how living with it is affecting me and the family.

  Now that I'm more aware of why I tend to feel certain ways at certain times, I'm learning how to "cope" or address these feelings.  This past week has been the hardest week since finding out about the depression.  I literally did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would lay on the couch instead of doing the normal chores for the day.  I tried to vent to friends, but the advice I got but didn't ask for was simply to be positive and life isn't so bad. That just made me feel worse and isolated. I know life isn't this bad and I am trying with all my might to NOT feel this way. Its just not as easy as it sounds.  I have to thank Leif for being so understanding and supportive.  He'll never fully understand but he tries and makes the effort.  I haven't been able to see my therapist so Im hoping when I finally get to see her I'll be encouraged.  I didn't even attempt to do the things that normally help with the depression.  I honestly felt helpless, and it was frustrating.  I don't feel like this is fair in a way... I don't know why I need to struggle with this daily.  That's selfish of me to think but I hate the idea of it affecting my husband and kids in a negative way.

  The rain didn't help this week. Usually I'm happy to have it, but I wanted to go out with my camera and shoot. I couldn't.  That's one of my coping methods. Making art is something that helps me deal with the depression and keeps it at bay.  I feel so guilty for not being happy when I know I have so many things to be grateful for and happy about.

 I think what's the hardest thing is I'm a naturally happy, positive person and this is so unlike me.  I don't feel like myself.  But as they say in my favorite movie: "How am I not myself" :)

  Some days are easier, and other days are like battles that I feel like I'm losing.  Today is definitely a day I feel like I'm winning though! The sun helps, I cleaned a little, got to use my camera, and I cooked.  All things that help me cope. And tonight I'm shooting an event. I think things are looking up. This past week was hard but I did make it through!
(I need to blog about my new adventures in raw eating and do an update on my kidney)

A New Season

     A new season is beginning.  I feel it.  Do you ever just feel that way? That change is coming? That everything you've known for the last few months will no longer be? I suddenly feel as if the trials I experienced have prepared me for whats next.  Today I felt God put on my heart: "You are prepared. You weren't ready before but now you are".  I feel at peace in a way I hadn't before and I feel as if the last few months, the hardships, the pain, the tears, the work, it was worth it just to hear that I'm ready.

  I wish I knew what I was ready for :) But I'm definitely celebrating this new season that will be coming.  A new leaf has been turned over it seems.  How fitting that spring is coming... Winter is ending, things are becoming new again.  New meaning has been given to my life and breathing fresh air never felt so wonderful. God is always so faithful and His timing so perfect. I know this, yet I fight and I question.  I am so grateful for His patience :)!

    I wish I could describe this breakthrough in my life.  I can say though, as soon as I gave up trying to make things go my way, the minute I allowed God to take control things began to change.  When I mean change I don't mean this physical change, but more of an emotional & spiritual change that has in turn over flowed into my marriage, my parenting, my home, my relationships, my health, my business... Its the whole working on your heart, and how you are on the inside so that it then shows on the outside.  BASICALLY: I can't do any of this on my own. I need to lean on God always.  He's my strength.

Grown up Beck.

(ugh the quality is so bad :( )

      Today Beck officially started walking.  And when I say officially I mean he's actually walking everywhere. He's still doing some crawling but preferring to walk.  I cried. Which is not like me.  I've cried so many times with Beck.  To me he's stayed a baby longer than Riley did, and he's never been in a rush to grow up like my daughter. He's patiently sat on my lap while I work and cuddled with me every night.  I still remember when he said his first word "uh oh" a few months back and has now added "Thank you" and "more" to the list.  He's in no hurry to be bigger yet it feels like he's grown so fast.  I know that I've coddled him and tried to keep him little for as long as possible, but I can't help it. I wish you could see the way he loves and appreciates me.  That sounds weird but its the truth.  Our relationship is so special.  Its the relationship that Leif and Riley have, the one I envied. That's not to say Riley and I don't have our own relationship, but with Beck its different.  I'm his best friend and was his favorite playmate, haha. Riley has definitely taken on that role now that he's older.

  While I'm sad that kids grow up so fast, I love all the memories we've shared and will continue to share.  Thank you Beck for completing our family.

Gratitude Thursday

    There are a few things I'm grateful for today but something I really wanted to share was how thankful I am for the followers on my blog and the blogging friends I've made.  I've met some of the most caring and loving friends through my blog and I feel really blessed to know you guys! I love that I get emails from so many of you and I love that our relationships don't just stop at comments. I know I don't always do the best job responding, or commenting back so I appreciate you guys sticking with me and constantly checking in! It means the world to me!

  Another thing I've been thinking about today is the community that we've been surrounded with here in Monterey. I have been given some really great friends who are always more than welcome to help Leif and I out when we need it. Today is no exception. One of my best friends watched my kids for me while I got a CT, and she watches them often for me when I have an appointment, meeting or even a session. I appreciate how my friends are more than happy to help out and pitch in where needed. Its funny because I remember blogging about being so lonely and without a support system. Here we are now and I'm beyond thankful for each and every person who has been in my life here in Monterey and is. I truly believe that every person I've been friends with has changed my life one way or another. Thank you!

  Today I was also reminded why Leif is my husband. And I'm thankful thankful thankful for him!  I had my CT today and while I wasn't nervous I definitely was anxious to have some answers finally. Leif told me he'd be praying and that I should bring a bible and read James.  I didn't get to read all of it but I did read the part I think which was more important for this season in my life, and his.  I haven't blogged too much about what's been going on in our lives but we do feel as if we're in a season where if its not one thing its another. This verse is never one I tire of reading:

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" James 1:2-3

  I could keep going but that's the bulk of what stood out to me today while I was in the waiting room.  I had the biggest sense of relief rush over me and I just wanted Leif to be there at that moment so I could thank him (and hug him!) for being the godly husband I and my parents prayed for and for being such a wonderful source of encouragement during this time.  It blows my mind that I'm married to Leif and that I get to go through not just the good times with him, but also the bad, with him always holding my hand.

 I am SO thankful today.