Bonding.

When Riley was born, I knew I loved her but I didn't bond with her. I didn't feel connected to her in any way. I almost felt as if she wasn't mine. I think Leif bonded with her before I ever did. I would stare at her and wonder if this was really the baby that was in my belly for 9 months. Who was she? It wasn't until she was 3 or 4 months that I started to feel as if we were starting to bond. My love for her had continued to grow from the minute she was born, but I didn't feel as if we had a relationship until she was a bit older. It wasn't until she started really responding to me and interacting with me. When she would smile when she saw me. That's when we started to bond.

I thought the reason why we didn't bond was because I didn't breastfeed. Many times people tell me about what a great experience breastfeeding is, how they bonded with their child over it. Like I mentioned in a previous post I hoped that I would be able to breastfeed Beck. And I have been breastfeeding him. But, just like I felt with Riley, I feel the same way with Beck. I love him with all my heart but I don't feel like we've bonded at all. He's so foreign to me. Again, I feel as if Leif has bonded with him before me. I was worried about this happening. I feel as if I should have some control over this. Why does this little baby seem like such a stranger to me?

Last night I was reading What to Expect: The First Year. I kind of read it with Riley but mostly skimmed over it, just making sure she was reaching her milestones on time. I happened to be reading through the newborn chapter and it had a section on bonding. It turns out that its common for moms not to bond with their babies right away. I was relieved to read this because I want so badly to be close to my son. I know it'll happen in time, I just need to be patient and get to know him better, which I'm excited to do:)

We'll get there.

Happy 1st Week of life!

Beck is a week old today!

Originally today was when he was going to arrive,
but he had other plans and came a week early:)
I think he was excited to meet his big sister!
Plus surprises are always nice and I did wish that I could go into labor on my own.

So far we've had a good first week. Haven't lost as much sleep as we had planned, and 4am seems to be our new family time. Riley likes to get up when we're feeding and changing Beck. She sits there, kissing him and holding his hand. I look forward to our early morning times together. &I'm learning that my children are individuals. I keep wanting to compare Beck to Riley but am finding that there is no comparing them. They are both very different and I am loving that! After our first night at home, I observed the obvious differences in my children, and I was amazed! I remember praying and thanking God for this, for making my children the way they are. I thanked Him for His work and design in them. Only He could make two people come from the same parents and be their own person in every way. I love that no two people are the same, even if they seem so alike.

God is amazing like that.

Beck, I hope that this first week was good.
I promise the following ones will be even better.

Happy 15 Months!

Riley is 15 months today!

This time last year she was just turning 3 months old.

Ever since bringing Beck home, Riley seems even bigger than she was last week. I keep wondering where my little baby went. When did I get a toddler? I ask myself this often. I'm still excited by her walking, and being able to feed herself. I love that she can let me know what she wants through some words and odd sounds/noises.

I know I've said this before but I'm still always surprised by the things that Riley will do. Just last night she saw something on the floor that she thought was trash so she took it to the trash can. It wasn't trash, just a white ice pack that I use after breastfeeding:) She was so proud of herself though. She mimics everything Leif and I do. It makes for a lot of entertaining moments around here. I love having her in the bathroom with me when I wash my face and put on lotion because she'll do the exact same thing and then look up at me and smile like "I'm just like you!" Oh, those moments are my favorite and I can't get enough of them.

I'm really proud of the way she has responded to Beck. She's always trying to give him her stuffed animals, hug him, kiss him, attempt to hold him. I think Riley's doing a wonderful job at being a big sister... I love watching her interact with him and love on him. While at the doctors yesterday, Riley watched over Beck with such seriousness while the doctor checked him. Beck screamed most of the time since he had to be naked and Riley kept glaring at the doctor, upset that he was making her baby cry.

I can't believe that I was blessed with such a wonderful daughter. I love that I get to be her mom and share so many amazing moments with her. Just a little while ago, she gave me a kiss just because. So blessed!

Trying to make her little brother feel better.

Lessons of the day.

Last night was a good night. We didn't have an intruder in our bed, and Beck actually woke up to eat. I was looking forward to today. I made Leif breakfast and brought it to him in bed, got Riley dressed, fed Beck, assuming I'd have time to shower and eat before the kids doctors appointment today. But then Beck wanted to keep eating, and so there went my shower. When I thought maybe he was finished, he still wanted to eat! So there went my breakfast:(
It put me in a bad mood. I was so grumpy and told Leif it was basically all his fault. If he had just helped me... He said "I thought that's what your mom was here for". And I'm so glad she is here! Do not get me wrong, but I still need my husbands help. He always tells me I need to just ask but I want him to just offer. He does offer a lot, which I'm thankful for. I need to thank him for that more often. And I do need to ask for help. Not just ask Leif but people who offer to help.
I fought with my mom today too which didn't help the day:( I am struggling with having her here all day everyday. Its hard to have someone in your home who does something so differently then you do. We are both very particular people, which makes for lots of arguments and disagreements. Today we argued a lot over what I can and can't do. I don't like when people put limits on me. Especially my mother. She kept reminding me that I couldn't pick Riley up, I couldn't clean, I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I did realize though that I need to simply accept my moms help, be grateful she is here and willing to help me. Even if it means she'll do things a lot differently than me.

Today I learned a few lessons. Accept help when its offered and ask when its needed.

Highlights of today: Beck has gained a few ounces since coming home & Riley didn't cry getting her shot.

The day so far.

Today is Day #1 of being home with both kids. Luckily, my first week alone with the kids I'm not really alone. My mom is here helping out. Not that I'm letting her help out... I'm so particular about how to clean the house, do laundry, fix food, so forth. My poor mom is being so patient with me. She keeps trying to force me to sit down and rest but I keep finding things to do. If my mom offers to help out I tell her I can do it myself. According to her I've been telling her that since I could talk.

Just because I have a newborn now doesn't mean we can't be ready by 8 anymore.

This is Beck's nighttime food. Its ridiculous how much milk I pump.

Todays Breakfast: Quiche. Thanks to my mom and the Paris Bakery.

So far the day has gone nicely. Beck spends most of his time sleeping, and Riley spends most of her time playing. I've been able to play with Riley while Beck sleeps in my room, and then spend time with Beck during feedings and Riley's naptime. I'm assuming that the easiest time with two kids under 2 has to be when one of them is a newborn. For some reason I remember never getting anything done with Riley when I first brought her home. Now with a newborn, and a toddler I'm finding myself able to get a lot of things done. Maybe not as fast as when it was just Riley but I'm still accomplishing things. I'm pretty sure that when Riley first came home I sat with her on my chest for hours and neglected housework. Telling Leif that I didn't have time to make him dinner because having a new baby was so hard and tiring.

Riley shared her toys with Beck.

Kisses for her little brother.

Showing me that she can get on and off her elephant.

Playing "Where is Riley?"

The one thing that seems to take up a bit of time are the feedings. I feed Beck for about a half hour to an hour then I have to add pumping on top of that. Because Riley was always given a bottle I'm used to feedings being 15 minutes-30 minutes long. I'm learning to adjust to it and so far its been working out fine. Even with Riley running around. Although its just day one, I think I'm capable of being at home with two children. I doubt it will be easy, in fact it will be very trying but I think I'm up for the challenge!

Upset that I woke him to eat.

First Night at Home.

Leaving the hospital

First, let me say that I feel so rested and full of energy. I feel completely refreshed, like a new woman. Getting 6 hours of sleep as opposed to only 1 hour does wonders for a person. Now about last night...
It was like any other night for the most part. Except instead of just kissing mommy and daddy "goodnight", Riley also kissed Beck and grandma. And then Riley woke up at around 1 and decided that she was done sleeping in her crib. So the battle began. She fell asleep in our bed then we moved her, but then Beck woke up and we took awhile getting his bottle, so in turn he woke Riley up. Of course by the time we got the bottle Beck was over it and Riley was in our bed. Again.

We got the idea that maybe if we put Beck in his crib Riley would want to go in hers. But she didn't. She simply waved "bye" to Beck when we put him in his crib and expected us to take her with us to bed. Finally, we decided to leave her in her crib. Sure, she cried and screamed but eventually fell asleep. Thank goodness.

I really expected Beck to give us a hard time at night, not my toddler:) It really wasn't that bad though because I did get some hours of uninterrupted sleep. And Beck did a wonderful job. He mostly slept through the night. Woke up twice and probably would have gone back to sleep if we didn't make him eat. At 5 this morning, Riley was up and watched as Leif changed and fed Beck. She was amazed and kept smiling at her little brother. I was sitting on the floor pumping... It was one of those moments I wanted to last for a long time. Even if it was early in the morning.

The babies this morning.

Big Sister, meet Little Brother

Riley, this is Beck. Your brother.

I'm looking forward to the three of us having adventures together.

This is going to be your best friend and favorite playmate.

You are going to have so much fun together.

Riley loves Beck. So far. She keeps trying to share her paci, her snacks and her dolls with him. Whenever she sees him, she waves and says hi. Then looks at us and points at him. When she hears him cry she looks around worried. Just a minute ago she tried to help daddy feed him.

My favorite was when she gave him a kiss
&
wanted to be swaddled like him.

Late night update:

We're still in the hospital. I was a little bummed at first that we were staying an extra night but its ended up being beneficial. We wanted to be sure about Beck, that he was eating enough and that his blood sugar was staying stable. I'm very ready to be in my own bed, to actually sleep longer than a half hour a day. I forgot how hard it was to sleep in a hospital with people constantly coming in and out. Plus I have to make sure I'm feeding Beck when I'm suppose to and taking my pain medication.

Currently I'm waiting for Beck to wake up. He's a good sleeper, sometimes too good. Its hard to wake him. No matter what we try/do, if he doesn't want to wake up, he simply won't. Leif got to feed him tonight, which I enjoyed as much as I know he did. We're going to try to do at least one bottle feeding at night so I can get a break. This time around I'm keeping a journal of basically everything Beck does. Its helping me remember when I need to feed him, pump, check his diapers, let him sleep, so forth. I always thought people that did this were a bit silly and maybe a little paranoid? But now that I've been doing it, I'm learning its not silly, not one bit. Its been really helpful to me and Leif. I'm sure its helpful to Beck:) I mean, seriously, if I didn't check his feeding times he would probably go without food. He's already skipped meals because of sleeping!

Well it looks like my son might not wake up when planned, so I'm going to try to fit in some more sleep. Excited that tomorrow I'm going to go home and be able to be with both of my children!

A photo.

Just because he's adorable
&
looks like daddy.

Beck Update:)

Holding Beck for the first time.

So... night number two went pretty well. Leif stayed the night so that was a little helpful. Not as helpful as I would have liked though:) He kept falling into a deep sleep and it took so much effort to wake him up... I'm pretty sure it would have been a lot easier to just call the nurses to watch Beck when I needed to use the bathroom or put him back in his bassinet. Right now Beck is on his daddys chest sleeping away. I love it.

Someone warned me that the second night is usually the hardest when it comes to breastfeeding. Thankfully on the breastfeeding front, things went smoothly. Beck continues to latch on without trouble and my milk is starting to come in. The difficult thing about last night though was staying on schedule with feedings. Beck had low blood sugar when he was first born and has been on an IV for most of our stay here. I have to make sure he's getting fed every 2-3 hours to help make sure his blood sugar stays up and stable. Every feeding is usually an hour or more so sleeping was a bit of a challenge. I'm looking forward to being able to pump a bit so Beck can at least have one bottle at night and mommy can get some sleep! Late in the afternoon they finally took Beck off the IV, but kept it in just in case. We're currently waiting for his count to go up so they can take the IV out completely and we can (hopefully!) head home today! (Happy happy news! Melissa, the wonderful nurse who has been taking care of Beck and pushing to get his IV taken out, just came in to remove it!)

I've been recovering pretty well. They let me out of bed early to shower and finally walk around yesterday and it was heavenly:) I think you're suppose to spend at least 24 hours in bed but the nurse said we didn't need to wait that whole time. As soon as I got the "ok" I was up and about as much as possible. We also had a lot of visitors through out the day which helped being stuck in the hospital bearable. It was great sitting around and having my close friends here to keep me company and to love on Beck. Funny how no one knows this little guy too well but we all adore him and can't get enough of him. I felt so loved yesterday, and I'm pretty sure Leif did as well. Everyone has been more than willing to help out when needed, and even willing to come back today to keep me company again, haha.

The best part about yesterday though was being able to see Riley. Leif wheeled me to the outside of the hospital, where other parents were saying hello to their children, and I got to give and receive kisses from my little girl. How I wish she could be here with us now, getting to know her little brother, but I know she's enjoying time with grandma. &Soon enough the four of us will all be together. That thought blows my mind: There is now four of us. God is amazing.

Also, the more I look at Beck that more I realize he looks almost identical to newborn Riley.
I'm pretty sure the only difference is Riley had black hair when she was born and Beck has light brown hair with blond tips. Even the way he cries is a quieter version of Riley's cry:)

Our first night together.

I was a little nervous about my first night with Beck. Partly because it meant I'd be trying out breastfeeding, and partly because I'd be by myself. Since Beck was a c-section baby, I was allowed to leave him in the nursery in between feedings. Leif didn't stay over night with me and since I have to wait until this morning to be able to start walking around they don't want the baby staying in the room... I don't mind because that meant sleep for me! It turns out though, Beck has a very good temperament, and even if he had been in the room with me I would have slept fine.

The crying I witnessed earlier when he was first born was what I thought I would be hearing all night. I also assumed he would be impatient like his older sister when it came time to eat. I was wrong. I probably heard Beck cry twice last night. Once because he was cold and the second time because I stopped him from feeding to switch to the other side. Even the nurses commented on how he only cried when they changed his diaper and calmed down right away. I like the sound of this... Maybe this means having him share a room with Riley will work out a lot better than planned? We'll find out soon enough:)

About the breastfeeding. I prayed and prayed through out my pregnancy that Beck would latch on right away and we would both enjoy this time together. I don't have a negative view of breastfeeding but I don't have the most positive. I was confident that this time around breastfeeding was going to work out. And, it is! Beck latched on almost right away and has been feeding really well. Something I once dreaded I look forward to now. I couldn't sleep half the night because I was so excited to feed him again, to have him lay on my chest and just look up at me. I understand now why women love breastfeeding their babies. I feel blessed that I get to experience this.

I missed Leif tonight but at the same time, I liked being by myself with Beck. I liked that our first night together was just the two of us. This last night was definitely a night I'm going to cherish. One hour until I get to feed and snuggle with my baby boy again!

My son.

I am head over heels in love with my little boy.

Although people tell you that you're able to love your second child as much as the first, its hard to imagine. I do know now that I love Beck as much as I love Riley. I adore him. I wish that I could have had Riley here with me when he was born. I want her to meet the little boy that's going to be her favorite playmate and best friend.

All day and night I've been waiting for him to open his eyes and spend some time with me. He has other plans though:) He's been asleep since his arrival. I don't mind too much. I loved when he was just laying on my chest breathing softly and moving every once awhile. I had forgotten juts how beautiful and wonderful these first moments were. I'm so blessed to be able to experience again!

When I saw him for the first time I was so proud. &I loved him even more than I already did. I couldn't believe that I was this beautiful boys mommy. He was mine! I think part of me expected him to look just like Riley but I knew he'd look like Beck. And he does. According to everyone this means he looks like Leif. Which makes me laugh because according to most people Riley looked like Leif as well. Either way both my children are perfect and created in God's image. Amazing.

Right now Beck is in the nurseryand its just me and Leif in the room. I'm missing Beck and I'm missing Riley so much. I'm looking forward to when I get to go home and be with both my children. I can't even begin to fathom how wonderful that'll be. God is such a great God... Its hard for me to look at my children and not thank Him for His goodness.

A few more pictures of Beck...

Beck Anders...6lbs10oz...21"...

Beck Anders Jacobsen...he's here now...a little earlier then scheduled, but that's fine by us. Here's a few pics, and there should be more to follow...

Baby Beck is coming today!

It looks like we'll be meeting Beck one week early:)
I'm having my c-section today at 1:30pm.
Please pray everything goes well!

Hopefully I'll have photos up by this evening!

Photo Post

Because she's adorable

I love my baby girl. She keeps me smiling and laughing constantly.
&lately she's been doing this thing where she'll grab daddys hand and then reach for mine.
I love it.