We're experiencing a lot of change around here. Beck is slowly leaving the baby behind and getting closer to becoming a toddler. I feel as if his journey to toddlerhood marks the end of a chapter for Leif and I. Riley's little brother is now more of a playmate and best friend. My diaper bag is becoming lighter, and the bottles are now gone. I get excited when I think of life without a baby. Not that toddlers are so much easier, but its different. To the married couple who aren't parents, this isn't that big of a milestone but it is for us. We've had babies for the last two years and I don't even remember life without always holding, rocking and feeding a baby. Riley had about three months as a toddler without Beck but I don't recall it that well...
I think this new part of life we're about to enter has made me want a baby a bit. But then I remember that I need to enjoy now. I feel as if I missed parts of Riley's growing up because I was pregnant or had to watch a newborn. If we're meant to have another baby it'll happen when its time. For now we are about to be parents to two toddlers. Lots more potty training and funny stories ahead for us!
I'm going through a personal journey at the moment as well. I think the reason I haven't been blogging is because I wasn't ready to talk about this. I'm ready now. When I said I felt forgotten here in Monterey, I didn't mean by friends, I simply meant by God. I am sorting out what I believe. I grew up a certain way, and was taught a certain way. What to believe, who to be believe in. Even when I was at Biola and they challenged us to question our beliefs I was too afraid to. I remember once, while at a Buddhist temple, I thought maybe what I've grown up on is wrong? And that scared me so I never thought about it again. But now I think about it often. I talk about it. God says to love Him with your heart and your mind. For me it has always been mostly my heart. I'm an emotional person. I love with everything I am. I'm impulsive. This is why Leif is perfect for me. He's the opposite when it comes to things like this. He approaches everything from an academic standpoint and doesn't base things off of feelings.
I am struggling. Really struggling. I believe in a God of love and grace. I believe He has made us equal, as in, we are all created in His image. Yet, the church has told me that homosexuals aren't equal. They don't deserve what the heterosexuals deserve. To me that goes against God's nature. I've seen the church use politics and take advantage of people. Men aren't perfect, they are human. But its hard to watch someone lead a congregation and have a staff that is corrupt because, at the end of the day they're just like you and I. They'd have you think otherwise though. I defend the church. I say every church is different, make excuses for them, but more and more I think I'm wrong. I want to have hope, because I'm a hopeful person, but I think this process is needed. If anything I'll just learn more about God and myself. Send me some prayers or positive vibes or whatever:)
5 comments:
Such a deep and personal post. Let me tell you I can relate.
I tend to believe this: God is good. All the time. I didn't grow up in the church (as a matter of fact I wasn't even really raised to believe anything). My mom dabbled in a host of beliefs. My Japanese grandmother is Buddhist. My other grandmother is a Jehovah's Witness. And my grandfathers were either atheist or agnostic. Same as my father.
My parents allowed me to find out what my own personal relationship was with God. I wasn't pushed either way (except by my JW grandmother - she was VERY particular about beliefs to be expressed in her presence. She didn't even like the fact that I practiced YOGA because she thought it meant I would believe in some OTHER God than the one she knew).
If I stayed overnight with my Grandmother I was expected to go to the Kingdom Hall on Sunday morning. I attended Mass with friends. Baptist church with others. And listened to rants from friends of mine who questioned the existence of a higher being. I have always been totally open to hear arguments from all sides. I'd question them and they'd question me. I think this is a good test of faith. Are you easily swayed? Do you just regurgitate what others tell you what to believe? This helped to shape and guide me in what my beliefs are today.
In the end, I consider myself Spiritual but not religious and this is mainly because I have a hard time with organized religion (they tend to have a 'gang' mentality; us vs. them. We're right, they're wrong and many times the 'leaders' turn out to be morally corrupt). I also feel less than assured with some of the "catch all" answers provided to some of my spiritual questions I pose. "Because that's what the Bible says" just doesn't cut it with me.
Same as you, I have a very hard time believing that homosexuals don't have rights or deserve what heterosexuals are entitled to strictly based on their sexual preferences. What happened to "God doesn't make any mistakes"? A comment I hear constantly. Yet he did with gays? They are still God's children. It's hypocritical speak.
In the end, I choose to allow God to show me the way. Not soley through the written word (The Bible was written by man, man is fallible and there is proof things have been edited, revised, or placed by those with their own agenda. So I don't take everything I read as 100% gospel) but based on how I feel - how I KNOW a supposedly loving, kind and merciful God would be.
I know some of what I said will be controversial to some and that's okay. It's MY POV and I'm entitled to it just as others are to theirs. If you have a strong personal relationship with God, no one else's opinion really matters.
As for you, Margaret - Gain support and direction in those you love, you trust and that you respect. But most importantly, gain direction through the God that you love and serve. No matter what others say, He is always there in your heart and your soul. Even when you doubt. He's there.
Prayers and positive vibes coming your way!
Margaret- Man, your honesty moves me. Seriously. Rania spoke my feelings in her post so I won't rehash what she so eloquently wrote, but I do feel your struggle. I'm not nor have I ever been religious. I'm a very spiritual person. God and I have a personal, one on one, relationship, no mediator needed. God has always been my Father and my true north. I never needed religion to facilitate my relationship with God.
This is such a personal journey and I wish you clarity and peace. Many blessing to you and yours and my your quest led you to serenity.
Your kids are so adorable. So cute that the two of them are best friends. I pray that you will continue to find peace as you work through the challenges
God is not in the church; God is in you and each one of us. Once that is realized, your eyes will begin to see what the heart should feel, and not what its told to feel (by society).
I've been following your blog for the past couple months and I find your positive outlook on life inspiring and uplifting. I feel compelled to suggest this book to you "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch. I was going through a similar ordeal not too long ago and this book really helped me put things into perspective. I hope it helps!
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