Breastfeeding?

Infant Riley

While pregnant with Riley, I read up on breastfeeding as often as I could. Every article I read said that breastfeeding is essentially what every good mother does; formula feeding is only done by selfish and incompetent mothers. I wanted to be a good mother, so I figured, of course I'll breastfeed. When Riley first got here, I tried, but neither of us were enjoying it. I remember thinking after meeting with the lactation consultant everything would work out fine, but it didn't. Riley was always upset and impatient. She kept trying to latch on but could never manage to do it. I remember dreading to feed her one night because it was a battle that I always lost. But I forced myself to keep at it. I started crying when she started screaming because I felt like I was failing her. Leif took Riley, and began feeding her formula. At the same time, he looked at me and said: "Margaret, you don't have to do this. I;ll support you if you choose to give Riley formula. You're not a bad mother". And right then and there I decided to stop attempting to breastfeed, and pumped instead. I pumped for a good 6 weeks before switching Riley to formula completely.

After I made this decision I got a lot of negative reactions from people - comments like "You didn't try hard enough" to "I don't understand why you wouldn't give your child whats best for them". My own mother was upset about my choice to bottlefeed. I remember being at her house and a friend who was pregnant stopped by, and they both questioned me about why I gave Riley formula. They hinted that I didn't try hard enough, that I wasn't patient and was only doing what was easiest. Honestly, I think in some ways breastfeeding is easier than formula feeding. It bothered me that no one listened when I tried to explain and no one cared to support me. I hated when people asked "How long did you breastfeed?" because it was always the same reaction, they always gave me the same look. It was hard for me to understand why people cared so much about how I fed my child. Why couldn't they simply try to be supportive, even if it wasn't something they agreed with?

For awhile I felt guilty. As if I was the worst mother ever. But then I would remember that my child was healthy, that she was growing and developing above and beyond what was expected. I loved feeding her, even if it was from a bottle, and I loved that Leif was able to feed her so I could sleep at night :) Sometimes I'd get up with him and watch him feed his daughter. I cherished those moments. I wouldn't go back and change things. Not at all. I do wish family and friends had been more supportive, but at the end of the day, I knew that my child was being fed what was needed to help her grow and develop, even if it was formula.

Everyone keeps asking if I'll breastfeed this time around. If it goes better than the last time, then yes; but if it doesn't, I'm not going to sweat it - and I'm definitely not going to beat myself up over it. I'm just hoping for the best:)